The deadest of days spent at the mall

Hello yes I'm sorry I haven't written anything for 17 days (apologizing to future me, of course. Hi there) but I just wanted to document my day a bit. It's 27th December, 2012 and it is the middle, the deadest, of the Dead Days. And, as you know, things tend to go a bit weird then.

Today I woke up after less than four hours of sleep and a night of watching Miranda to go to the dentist. Then I came back, watched the rest of the show, and went to the mall with my mom and sisters. While in J.C. Penny's I was a bit bored a bit flustered, a bit overwhelmed, and a bit confused. So I kind of started to follow this older gentleman around. I matched his pace exactly, stride and all. After a while of this he noticed and, to avoid confrontation, I moved forward a bit so I was slightly ahead of him. And that was when he started to follow me! So I started to lead us in the direction of the lingerie section in the hopes that he would be too embarrassed and I would be able to shake him off. No such luck. He followed me right in. And that's how I wound up luring an old man into the bra displays at J.C. Penny.

But it gets better. Because I found my sisters amongst the bras. His wife wandered over just as we reached them and they walked away. So I figured it was safe to leave the lingerie. It was. Almost. When I emerged into the pajamas I came face-to-face with a young family who said hello to me. Very familiarly. Like they knew me. I did not know them. So I was already looking a little flustered and amused from my stalking activities earlier and now I looked confused as well and I sort of made a noise at the back of my throat and walked quickly away. I think I scared the toddler.

Then we continued out to the rest of the mall and were immediately surrounded by a job fair. There I found my soldier friend recruiting. I hadn't seen him in wow just about two years I think. So it was good to see him. And it's always lovely to hug a man in uniform. We chatted for a while and then I went off to Bath and Bodyworks where I danced for a while behind a sale display and the employees backs, right in view of people walking by. That was great fun. Then I may or may not have broken/spilled a bottle of perfume. I really can't say.

My family and I bought A LOT of things so we should be smelling excellent. (Thanks for the bodywash, Mom!) We walked back through the mall where again I saw my soldier friend who gave me a landyard. See? The perks of having friends in uniform. Free landyards! Then I shimmied across the display case of FYE, getting some curious glances from the mothers and children in the play space just outside, and left the mall utterly satisfied. I didn't actually buy anything. My mom exchanged two shirts my parents got me which didn't fit and I didn't really see anything that caught my eye so I may just save the money for a bus ticket. Who knows? I certainly don't. So it was actually a net gain of one landyard.

I have to keep myself amused, if only for my sake.

Cookies, composition, and NASA boys

I just got out of my LAST COMP CLASS EVER and today has been strangely funny so far. I woke up with only ten minutes left of my media class. This sucked because we were hoping to present our movie today but I wasn't there so we'll go next week. I saw Megan when I went to lunch and while everyone else was shouting "Happy birthday!" I shouted "I'M SO SORRY!" It's fine, though. No one else in the group wanted to present anyway so postponing was fine with them.

Then I went to ecological anthropology. And maybe it was because it was the last class before the final and I was feeling nostalgic, but I felt oddly calm and happy. We went over the review sheet and then our professor showed us this video of an amazing solar powered light plane. My mouth was open and my eyes were so huge I was so wowed by it.

I went back to my dorm, bummed around on the internet for a while, and then actually started my math homework. Weird. Then it was time for comp. Trish, Russell, and I stole a bunch of cookies from the dining hall last night for our class party and I took even more this afternoon at lunch. So we brought them in and told people we baked them and laughed because it was obvious they were stolen. Our professor asked us about our first semester and what was easy and what was hard. When she asked what the hardest thing to deal with was I said "Crippling depression and social anxiety!" People laughed uncomfortably and it was great. Our professor also happened to be my adviser so she vaguely knew this part of me and watching her respond to this was hilarious. She's a cool lady. Even if she does want me to rewrite my last paper and is making Brooks retake the final. She made us apple crisp with whipped cream and gave us Belgian chocolates she stole from her husband and chocolate covered peppermint sticks and cranberry blackberry juice that made Derek and I wretch at the sound of it. I have a lot of feelings regarding cranberries.

Not very many of our cookies were eaten. When Trish and I left the building I shouted "WHO WANTS COOKIES!?" and I guy behind us was interested. He only wanted one of them but Trish dumped her container onto my tin of them and I placed the tin in his hands and we ran. So now there's a guy wandering the campus trying to give away 15 stolen dining hall cookies. That is if he hasn't thrown them away. He kept asking us if they were poisonous.

When I got back to my hall I saw a group of three boys knocking on doors campaigning for student senate. I noticed one of them was wearing a NASA shirt so I said "Hey boy with the NASA shirt, what's your name? I'll vote for you." It turned out he wasn't running, though. He was campaigning for a girl from my ecological anthropology class who I was already planning on voting for and two of her friends. The boys swarmed to me and I said I was unsure and that I really wanted to vote for someone wearing NASA shirt. They said that the people running also wore NASA shirts and shirts with wolves on them. I liked wolves, didn't I? Sure I do. Then one asked if I liked Harry Potter. I gestured to the Deathly Hallows shirt I was wearing and said "Obviously." They assured me that they loved Harry Potter and so did the people running. So I guess they have my vote?

I went into my room and Sierra was laughing. She heard it all through the door. I told her that what I meant to say was "Hey boy in the NASA shirt, what's your number? We should talk about space." Except I had a chocolate-covered candy cane sticking out of my mouth so I'm not sure how beguiling I looked. Probably not very.

I think I'll do some more math homework and maybe go see Elena now. I haven't seen her in over a week. Until next time!

Finals Begin

My dearest blog! It's true what they say. If you stop blogging for even a couple of days it will be awful getting back to it.

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you but finals are fast approaching and I've been studying and writing papers and filming a video for a media project. It's about the PRO-SOCIAL uses of media. (We tried to use the term "pro-social" as much as possible. I think we got maybe five.) Now I have an hour before meeting up with Russell, Trish, and Derek and going to Sierra and Megan's birthday party.

I haven't been doing much besides piles of schoolwork honestly. Last night I went to Burger King, brought my calories back to my dorm, and stuffed my face while watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live. Amy Poehler's episode where hosts nearly killed me. The Governor Pattersons.... After that I had a dance party to my new Spotify playlist called "Songs to Dramatically Lip-Sync to Alone at Night." Then around midnight I finally decided to continue working on a report due Monday. I just finished it now besides editing.

So that's about been my life. Oh except we (Russell, Trish, Derek, Megan, Sierra, and I) made a giant pot of Ramen noodles which we didn't really want to eat. We made Russell feel responsible for finishing them. He didn't. And Trish and I got locked in a storm grate outside a window. Yup.

 

Oh and I made a new video on my channel. The Holly Jolly Holiday Tag. I have a few other videos planned for this month so maybe check back for those, yeah?

I talk to you guys later!

We are all scared

I am scared.

I wake up every morning and am terrified. I go to bed at night and lie awake for hours because I am afraid of what I'll have to do in the morning. If I'm lucky I will get a few hours of uninterrupted peaceful sleep.

I do this every day.

But I still wake up. Every day I struggle through it, being afraid of doing the wrong thing or not saying something or talking to a stranger or showing up two minutes late to an appointment. I do it because I am a human and it scares me. I am afraid to do it, but I do it anyway because that's what it means to be alive.

I have an anxiety disorder and so this feeling of fear is always in the back of mind but everyone experiences it. And there's nothing wrong with that. We're supposed to be scared because life is scary. It's scary to say your opinions or share your work or say how you feel because people are going to get angry and people are going to not like what you've made and people are going to disagree.

But guess what? That's okay. Because that person who disagrees with you is also scared. I honestly feel like we could make this world such a better place if we only admit that we're afraid and recognize that everyone else is, too.

When we recognize emotions that we feel in other people, suddenly these emotions don't matter so much because you see that they're normal and you don't let them have such a control over your life. Break free from the fear. You can do it.

I did it.

Just yesterday I asked out a boy. He said no but I am still so glad I did it. I gained that experience and now I won't wonder and torture myself with thoughts of “what if” at night. I was terrified to do it. But I did anyway because I knew that if I didn't at that moment, then I would think of myself as a coward and I don't think I can handle thinking one more negative thought about myself.

So I took a chance. I did something anyway, despite the fear. And even though I was turned down it was worth it because in that moment, the fear had no hold over me. So go ahead. Make mistakes. Dare to suck. Make fear your bitch. Do something simply because you're scared of it. Recognize the fear as normal, and just go about your business anyway. That's the only way any of us are ever going to make it through life.

I meant to use that as a script for a video in response to Charlie McDonnell's video called "I'm Scared" but I never got around to it. So here it is in blog form.

I only really have one thing left to say for today which is: WHY ARE YOU PLAYING YOUR GUITAR OUTSIDE WHEN THE HUMIDITY IS 90%!?!?!?

November to December

December. It's finally here. And hopefully it will be better than the last 1/12th of the year.

It has been a very emotional month. I don't know how many of you remember, but earlier this spring set out to decide if April really was the cruelest month. I discovered that it wasn't. March was. And I have now come to the conclusion that November is the March of the fall.

This past November I have felt alone, seen Obama and Biden re-elected, hid beans around Bryant Park, went to a farm, won/stole a bunch of condoms, went back to astronomy club, registered for classes, burned bridges, asked out a guy, was turned down by said guy, had the best birthday I've had in years, saw movies with old friends, been depressed, and wanted to leave. I have become increasingly sure that I have a depressive disorder, possibly manic. I saw got to go to Wegman's and saw my friend E.J. working there. And I did some things last night that you can hear about in my future memoirs.

In short, I'm glad November is over. I need to restart. Things have been pretty awful, especially these last few days. Now my parents know and they're worried and so I'm worrying about that and objectively it's all really funny. (Like some of the things that happened last night.)

I would like things to get better. I would like to patch things up with most of the "friend group." I would like to do better at math. I would like to play music more. I would like to see Russell and Derek and Megan more. I would like to pull through this semester. I would like to hangout with Tara and Elena. I would like to have long talks with Lloyd. I would like to stay in touch with my friends from home more. I would like to continue to figure out my life. I would like to get into the honors program here.

And so I think I will try and do these things.

Thanks for sticking around with me throughout this month. It's been messy but I'm glad I have this record of it. As a thank you and an early holiday present, have this.

I'll see you soon.

To quote William S. Burroughs, November, "You always were a headache and you always were a bore."

I am tired

I am tired of civilians discussing documentaries on war and debating how "accurate" they are.
I am tired of bleeding hearts looking at me like I'm a murderer if I say I eat meat.
I'm tired of isolated "Lon Gislanders" trying to tell me about square dancing.
I'm tired of the privileged going on about the benefits of organic produce while ignoring the existence of food deserts.
I'm tired of incessant slash shippers pretending to be the champions of the oppressed.
I'm tired of fan-girls crying for suicidal characters when real people around them want to die.
I'm tired of city kids never shutting up about their goddamned "real" pizza and bagels.
I'm tired of would-be activists protesting for the sake of protesting.
I'm tired of citizens of manicured Westchester berating those in company towns for having Romney signs in their yards.
I'm tired of well-meaning Downstaters debating hydro-fraking when they're tucked away safe from the effects.
I'm tired of the pretentious and their Nassau Coliseum shows.
I'm tired of waiting "online" and being asked to "higher it up."
I'm tired of hipster hippie wearing designer boots to a farm.
I'm tired of people ignoring the existence of Upstate and thinking I live in Indiana or god knows where.




I wrote that during my ecological anthropology class. It's basically a list of everything about the atmosphere of this place that makes me want to leave.

Up and down

Honestly I'm not really sure how to write about today. But it started last night....

I was doing fine, as you saw from yesterday evenings post. I had possibly maybe not failed a math quiz for once, I had finished a rough-draft of a composition paper, I had read a chapter for my eco anthro book report, I was feeling fine. Then I went to dinner and it was pretty pleasant. But then we got to my least favorite part of the night. The part when people start to split off and go to do different things. I never know where to go when this happens and I never particularly feel like doing anything that is an option with any of the people who are options. I kind of wandered after some friends into the basement of a residence hall. Then I mentioned how people form Long Island (aka NEARLY EVERY FREAKING PERSON AT THIS SCHOOL) do the Cotton-Eye Joe differently. This sparked a debate between Kalia and I. She pulled the whole "Oh I'm a dancer I know what I'm talking about 'that motion is too repetitive and not pleasing for the audience to watch.'"

Well that's all fine and dandy, ma'am, and I'll come to you if I need an opinion on tap dancing, but this is the dance of my people. Line dancing and square dancing, the art of the hill-folk. You keep your "Lon Giland" culture and I'll keep my country. So seeing as we weren't actually doing anything and Kalia was seriously pissing me off like never before (which is saying something), I just left. I'm not sure if anyone noticed or cared.

Thus began a downward spiral of mood that culminated when Russell came to my door to talk about or media project and I kind of broke down when he asked if I was already. I was just so freaking glad that someone, for the first time in about 19 years, had noticed when I was really, really not okay. So I read The Fault in Our Stars and talked with Bruce and listened to the National and cried until I fell asleep.

The next morning I went to class at 8 am, couldn't be bothered to shower or eat, tried to read for class but fell asleep, never got around to writing my paper, and went to the library to meet Russell, Derek, and Megan to discuss our media project.

It was this that really got me out. Megan, Derek, and Russell are probably my favorite people that I've met this year. I find myself talking around them and laughing and having a good time and forgetting that I'm depressed. I want to spend time with them constantly. (Though I'm still not sure how I feel about Derek or how he really feels about me.) Anyway, we had a good time and managed to come up with a ridiculous plan for our media project. Seriously nuts. I won't go into it now, but suffice it to say that this is the only class we could get away with doing something like this.

Then I continued not to do my paper and went to dinner with Sierra (roommate), Megan, and Kim. I don't know what was in the food that day but none of our conversation made sense, we shouted, considered that maybe we were drugged, and decided to sing happy birthday to Kim and get the entire hall to join in. It wasn't her birthday.

I think it's becoming increasingly clear who I should be spending my time with based on how I feel when I'm with them.

After dinner I went to astronomy club. There were way more people there than usual because Raj had offered his students extra credit again. The moon was really, really bright so we couldn't see much but we saw Jupiter and its four moons, the moon, and the Pleiades. I made fun of Stephen for playing the oboe and we talked about band for a bit. It was nice.

Now I'm back in my dorm, waiting for the shower, and still having no idea what to write about Caesar Augustus and the Pax Romana. I'm open to suggestions....

One more thing, I promised myself that if a day was ever as hard as this again, I would seek help. Now it's in writing on my blog and I will. I swear I will.

Kara and Mo say things

When we last left off, I was sitting in a garish chair in my family room with plans to see Breaking Dawn in the morning. Now I'm sitting at the desk in my dorm room eating a cookie my mom made me with no plans about anything whatsoever. So much change in three days! Shocking. (Not actually. I could have predicted this a month ago.)

So Breaking Dawn, yeah? I saw it. I was... surprised. Yeah. That's it. Though the book does make a lot more sense now. I don't really feel like going into it but I had fun with Kate and Elana, observing Bella, Edward, Jasper, Carlisle, Jacob, and co. When the movie ended the three of us stood up and said "Well. That's the end of my adolescence." Middle school is done, everyone. Throw away your sad journals and burn your emo poetry. Purge your iPod of Dashboard Confessional and maybe buy some clothes that aren't black, grey, or navy blue. We made it.

Mo and Kara are now suggesting things for me to blog about. So far I'm supposed to say that "punching is sexy" and that "would you rather games can cause massive divides amongst friend group really easily and should be played with caution." There you have it, folks. Today's blog.

No but actually I don't have much to say so I think I will end it now. Finals are coming up pretty soon and this week alone I have two papers, an experimental assignment, a discussion to lead, a project to start thinking about, a book to finish, and the usual math. So I'll be off!

(I still have no clue how to end blogposts so a;lhgsjlkghjgkj';sh;)

A night of elves and irresponsibility

Welcome to Heather's Blog of Irresponsibility! I'm sitting in my family room in a giant, circular, turquoise chair that my older sister, Sarah, brought from her apartment when she moved back here. Elf is playing. I know, I know. Thanksgiving barely ended and it's not even December yet but the last 2nd to last Thursday of the month came so early this year and there's a light sprinkling of snow on the ground and I saw a couple gifsets of the movie on tumblr. So I'm watching Elf while I blog, my brother Billy reads, and our younger sister works on her NaNo.

It's rather peaceful. It's just past midnight. The gas fire is crackling away. Linda and I are tapping away at laptop keys. The bag of popcorn beside me is warming my arm.

Sidenote. My parents were having the kitchen redone at the end of the summer and it wasn't finished by the time I left for school. Since I've been back I've had to relearn where things are and how to use the new convection oven. Check out how it deals with popcorn:

These last couple of days I haven't bee up to much. The only memory I really have of Friday was talking with my old prom date, Aubrey, around midnight about park ranging and binge eating. What a great guy.

Saturday was a little more eventful. I went to the hospital with my dad to try and identify the weird bit of tissue we had from the Mystery Turkey Organ. We couldn't. It fell off the slide, was too thick, and my dad shattered the cover slide. But I always enjoy hanging out in the hospital and I welcome a lab adventure. Though my dad wouldn't let me take a biohazard specimen bag to fill with dining hall food and leave in the refrigerator for my roommate to find.

After that we went to Wegmans, the best grocery store in the entire world. I hadn't been since August and boy had I missed it! We ran into Sarah when we got there who was just leaving work as the three of us have a habit of doing. After discussing squashes and the incredible increase in Matt Lewis' attractiveness (don't ask) we went to the butcher to describe the organ. He looked mildly amused and said it was a gizzard. Those aren't found in mammals. So that certainly explains why we couldn't identify it. Then I picked up a box of popcorn (hence my eating it now), a thing of Jammie Dodgers (I freaking love them, they make me think of home even though I'm from New York and I wanted to give one to Brooke in case I saw her today which I didn't), and some trail mix. My dad told me he was paying for the food so Sarah and I had a great time at the trail mix bar like Kara and I did over the summer.

I spent the rest of the day lounging about with Sarah and Billy, dropping not-so-casual hints about Christmas presents and eating the best pizza in the world with my family. And after far too much time spent on tumblr, here we are. I should be writing a paper or doing reading but, well, I'm not. Hence the irresponsibility. I have about half a page written on life in North Korea. So that's better than nothing I suppose.

But what can I say? It's my last night at home after a three month absence. Tomorrow morning I'm seeing Breaking Dawn with Kate and Elana. I got a text message from Kate that said "Breaking Dawn really early tomorrow morning." I was a bit confused as to whether or not we were seeing a movie or watching the sunrise together, both of which we've been known to do. But no, it's a movie at 9 in the morning. But it's time with Elana and Kate so I'll take it.

All right some final thoughts on Elf:

-Zooey Deschannel looks REALLY GOOD as a blonde.
-Will Ferrell is really weird.
-I have so many questions left unanswered.
-This movie is the kind you only watch once a year when you're in a very special mood. Tonight is that time.

Next time you hear from me I'll probably be typing from a dorm desk rather than a weird chair that doesn't match any decor in the house but just SHOUTS twenty-something. So goodnight and may your holiday/final season be everything you want it to be.

Thanksgiving, sodomy, and HOBBIT HOBBIT HOBBIT

Friday. 23rd November. 0:10:26 Warm. Relaxed. Lying on my bed at home. So much food inside me. So comfortable.

Wednesday, my first day at home, felt really right. I cooked with my mom in the morning. We were, of course, listening to NPR as it's always on in the background of my family. They were discussing Israel and every once in a while my mom or I would turn to the refrigerator upon which the radio sat and shout. I cooked some with my older sister, Sarah, but that was with less political shouting. Not none, but less.

Sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, breads, cake, stuffing, cranberry sauce. When all of these were done, my sisters and I drove to get cider and doughnuts and shouted along to Taylor Swift songs as is our custom. It felt like our ice cream race from April of last year and it was lovely.

My uncle came that night and we celebrated our birthdays together. Sarah made a pumpkin roll and was surprisingly successful. I watched all of the Thanksgiving Friends episodes and worked on a scarf until past midnight.

Then Thanksgiving Day. I went downstairs a bit before noon and ate a doughnut and the last of the cider. I read for school for a while. My grandmother came over and commented on my weight and then I left and stayed in my room for the next three hours. Oh, Thanksgiving. No matter how well the holiday is going, you just have to throw something at me, don't you?

Dinner was normal I suppose. My dad had invited his medical student to the meal but she declined to study. So there were eight people but there wasn't real continuous conversation. So whenever it had been silent for a while I jut shouted things like "Abortion!" "Sodomy!" "Pegasus!" and "Captain America Erotica fan-fiction!"

Oh and no one could identify one of the turkey organs so I made a slide of tissue from it and I think we're taking it to the hospital lab tomorrow to examine it. I'll let you know what we find!

After dessert I was sitting around for a while and received a text from my friend Elana, asking if I was interested in getting in a shenanigan before the night was over. Of course I was! We decided to go to Barnes & Noble and then see Wreck-It Ralph. After marveling at the line in front of Wal-Mart that had already formed by 9 pm, stealing one of the every last parking spaces from a would-be Wal-Mart shopper, buying our tickets, and walking around the sidewalk with an empty shopping cart I had found, we realized that B&N was closed. So we walked back to the theater and hung out in the giantcomfyamazingstillnewtomechairs until the previews came on.

Oh my god the previews! It was the Hobbit. The Hobbit. Elana and I were gone. We clutched each other's hands and yelled silently and punched and kicked the air and Elana gasped and I sang along to the little song they sing. Martin Freeman, man. He completely did me in.

The movie itself was also really good. I'm usually not a big fan of animated movies but this one was really clever with just the right amount of cute. Maybe it just made me nostalgic for the old arcade of my childhood or the GameBoy Pocket games I played, but it really made me smile. I got a kick out of it. We saw it in 3-D and usually this gets to me after a while but, as Elana pointed out, the 8-bitness of the movie might have helped prevent any nausea.

As we came out of the theater we saw a GIANT cardboard cut-out of the Gandalf and Bilbo's door. Really freaking giant. Elana and I made a beeline for it, running through an Indian family, shouting "HOBBIT HOBBIT HOBBIT!" As we posed for pictures with it, we decided that the night had officially become a shenanigan.

So we walked through the parking lot again, past some shoppers who were already leaving Wal-Mart/rural-suburban Mecca with their Black Friday purchases, though it was technically still Thursday, and headed across the river for home.

Home

I'm sort of crying now. I've been doing more crying than usual these last couple of weeks but this isn't bad crying. I'm crying because I love my friends and I love my family and I love my house and I love my fireplace and I love the Converse shoe box of knitting needles beside me and I love the Star Trek VHS I'm watching right now.

Today I turned 19. Let me start the tale of it with something I posted on tumblr last night:

"Believe it or not, I just spent the last two and a half hours watching/playing WWE. Russell came to my door when I was packing and just waved for me to follow him without saying anything. Reluctantly I grabbed my key and followed him to his dorm. It turns out he loves wrestling and had gotten a head start on our media assignment on it and figured (correctly) that I wouldn’t want to watch it. So he and Chris had me sit with them and answered my stupid questions with stupid answers and explained how there actually is a storyline in wrestling matches. Then they decided to teach me how to play the Playstation game and I was surprisingly not bad at. I played as John Cena and spent a good amount of time perching on the corner of the ropes or just lying down on the floor hoping Russell and Chris would just fight each other and forget about me.

It was a great distraction and you know what? It was surprisingly enjoyable.
Thank you, boys downstairs! <3"

Well I found out this morning that this whole thing was a ploy to get me out of the dorm so Sierra, Megan, and Kim could stash a load of decorations in Sierra's closet. She put them up  around one in the morning because I stayed with Russell and Chris for a lot longer that the ladies expected. So I woke up at 7 in the morning to find the room covered in streamers and and the floor covered in balloons and pictures on the door. The balloons were covered with pictures of Joe Bide, Harry Potter, Friends, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, Jack Kennedy, and a stupid Christmas picture the three girls and I took a few days ago. The pictures on the door were bananas, Barack Obama eating ice cream, and a Joe Biden birthday card collage. It was really weird and really hilarious and really, really sweet.

Sierra also woke up and left the room. She came back with Russell and a cupcake. They lit it and sang happy birthday to me and quickly waved the smoke away from the detector. I couldn't stop laughing, even when Sierra dropped her ID behind the radiator.

It was a thoroughly ridiculous start to the day, quickly followed by a super-fast breakfast with Russell, Rich, Lloyd, and Liz and a history class where we talked about elephants.

In the afternoon I went to math class for a couple minutes then left to take my laundry out of the washing machine. I wrote a birthday card for Joe Biden and I think it will be really interesting. I went to lunch with Sierra, Garth, Alyssa, Megan, Nick, and Rosalie.

And all through the day I was getting lovely birthday messages from lovely people.

Then my dad came and picked me up and we told each other stories and talked about all of the topics we knew best. We stopped at one of my favorite diners to eat and it was full almost entirely of fellow college students and their parents returning home. As we drove through my area I looked around and remembered all of these things that had happened here. I haven't been back in three months and it was so familiar and different.

I ate rice pudding with my dad and siblings and opened my birthday presents. A DVD and book on Joe Kittinger's space jump and copies of Le Petit Princein both French and English.

Then I went up to my room. I had left it in quite a messy state and had been thinking of that while I was away at school. But I walked in and my mom had cleaned it and made my bed like the nurse she was and I started to cry because it was so nice and so clean and all of these memories from my senior year, particularly the last semester, just came rushing back. There was so much. My mom had even dug up an old Road Scholar game that I lost years ago and should have returned to my coach but didn't because it was missing. And it was so familiar but somehow brighter and the bed smaller and lower and the carpet rougher and I love every bit of it. So much.

I never thought I would be so happy to be home. Nor indeed that I would be still referring to this as home. But everything around me and everything I'm doing is so familiar I could just burst. This is the best birthday I've had in at four or five years.

I love my house and my weird town and my dad's collection of space books on the shelf next to me which is still sizably larger than my own.

I don't know how to end this because I'm feeling very happy and full and melancholic. So I think I'll just say good night.

Turned down

Everyday becomes more emotional than the one before.

Last night I was going to dinner with Sierra, Megan, and Kim when I saw my former group of friends gathering. They hardly acknowledged me. And I couldn't do it. It was all too much and so I just left. Kim, Megan, and Sierra tried to get me to go up to the dining hall for dinner but I suddenly wasn't very hungry. So I just left and collapsed in my dorm room, sobbing about everything that was wrong with my life. (I'm even tearing up writing this.) After a while Sierra, Megan, and Kim brought me some food, including a makeshift grilled cheese they had toasted with the panini press. Except that squished the bread so it was mostly a centimeter of cheese with a fabric thin coating of bread. But I appreciated it anyway. We hung out in the dorm for a while after that. I texted Derek some and they helped with what to say. Derek invited me to go for a walk with him the next day.

So I did. Derek and I walked along the rail trail and he brought me to a bridge over a creek with a view on the mountains and the fields. It was lovely. Then when we got back to campus I asked if he wanted to go on a date sometime. He declined.

I'm so done with humanity. This whole thing is far too complicated and I want to just hibernate for a while. I miss Brooke and I want to talk with Elena and Dani but only Elena and Dani and no one else. At least I have plans to see Allison when I go back for Thanksgiving. But mostly I'm getting really angry at whoever is in charge of writing my life. Then I remember that that's me.

Sigh.

Well here's a happier story I forgot to tell you guys. On Friday night I was walking across campus and showing Megan where Jupiter was. She asked how I knew it was Jupiter and I started to explain to her about discs versus points of light and orbital patterns when Stephen, the president of the astronomy club, walked out of his building. I waved and said loudly enough for him to hear "I know it's Jupiter because Stephen told me!" He looked confused as he always does and I don't know if he recognized me or not as he usually doesn't but it was funny. Then Megan and I saw a shooting star. She said it was the first one she had seen in her life and starting shouting and jumping up and down. Then Stephen rode up behind us on his bike, pointed, and said "Did you see it?!" as he zoomed past. It was all just really funny and pleasant.

Thanksgiving is soon so expect either depressing blogs about my inner demons or warm ones full of holiday cheer. It's still too soon to tell which. We'll see what emotions come to the surface when I'm surrounded by family.

I hope you all have vaguely better days than I did!

Emotions running high

Well what an emotional day it's been!

I slept through my first class this morning. That's the third absence I've had and means that I have to be there for all the rest of them. So I slept late and then began to panic.

I was panicking because I was registering for classes. And right after that I had a math exam. I tried studying before my sign-up time slot at 12:30 but there was just so much and I was so unprepared! So I checked to see that the schedule I had devised for myself the other week was still workable.

It wasn't.

My dream history class, Europe Since 1945, was full. And I couldn't take Exploring the Universe because there were no seats left for sophomores and they were all reserved for freshmen. So I threw myself in an Early Modern Europe class, changed my International Policy course to a different time, and was left with Contemporary Issues in Literature to fulfill my diversity gen ed requirement (the class on lesbian living was full.) So that plus symphonic band (still haven't met with the director!), Women in Literature, and my French course gives me 17 credits and a panic attack.

But before I could actually sign up online for these classes I was locked out of my account. I entered my code when 3/4 of my clocks said it was 12:30. But I guess it wasn't according to the school because after a couple of attempts the website told me that they suspected a break-in and I couldn't login for a few minutes. At this point I was glad I hadn't put on mascara that morning because I'll admit that I sort of broke down and started to cry. But I decided to try one more time before pulling myself together and calling the computer services desk and it worked. I was able to register and get in maybe 20 minutes of studying before leaving for my exam.

At this point I have to give my thanks to the lovely Etco for supporting me through the morning/afternoon of troubles. I'm so glad I have him for emotional support.

After the exam I went to lunch and then the gym with Sierra (roommate), Megan, and Kim. It was good. I biked about 9 miles and watched Futurama because technology is crazy. Then we had an uneventful night of hanging out. I'm back at my dorm now in pajamas. Sierra's eating popcorn. I'm tired.

Oh and at dinner I saw my group of friends. I said hi but I was eating with the women mentioned above. They didn't say goodbye when they left nor did they tell me what they were going to do and I didn't receive one message from them throughout the night. Hmmm....

I think I'll watch some tv before going to bed. Good night!

Museums and condom casinos

This morning I woke up at eight, tried to make myself look presentable, gave up, and went to meet with my media/comp class in the atrium of the student union. I was one of the first students there. So Russell and I regaled our small group with tales of our falling apart dorm building. (Those probably require another post.)

When everyone had arrived we grabbed a bunch of boxed lunches and got on the bus. I honestly don't remember much of the ride down. We passed by my moms hometown though so that was nice. I hadn't been there in ten years.

The Museum of Moving Image was really interesting. It was all bright white and mirrors and so pristine. I went into a utility closet trying to leave the bathroom because the white doors blended in so well with the walls. We learned about how your eyes need a rest period while viewing a series to make them look like they're moving and about foley art and automated dubbing and the history of film cameras and how technicolor worked. We even made an awful flipbook of us just standing around and looking confused. It was super fascinating to me because I had relatives who were working in the film and animation industry in the early 20th century. They were there for all of that.

Unfortunately we didn't have much time to look around. We probably only got to about a third of the museum. But they gave us tickets to go back which was really nice of them.

We also watched a film called "Dear America" which was a bunch of readings of letters service members wrote back home during the Vietnam War recorded over archival footage. I had seen it two years ago in APUSH and it was still very moving. Though I didn't cry this time. Afterwards the class discussed it but I didn't say anything. I got kind of angry listening to all of these civilians critique the telling of the experiences of U.S. troops. They said it was biased and that it painted too brutal an image of the Viet Cong and could have done a better job going in depth about what was going on in the United States at the time. And I would just like to no where they got the right to say those things. All of the dialogue was exactly what Americans serving there had written. Of course they weren't going to talk about the Viet Cong in a lovely light or focus on the troubles at home! I hate to hear one demographic critique another. And it just made me very angry.

The bus ride back was really great though. Brooks, Joe, Russell, Trish, Derek, Marissa, and I had "Back of the Bus Bonding." Trish told us about the time she met Tom Felton. Russell decided that his stripper name was "Brown Sugar" and Trish said that Brooks' was "White Chocolate." I mentioned how I once saw a girl dump tuna fish down the bathroom sink and Marissa said "Oh so that's why the hall smelled like that!" One of my favorite quotes was, egotistically, something that I said. Someone pointed out the strip club we were passing and I said "You know it's good when there's barbed wire." The fence around it was covered with coils of the stuff. Oh, Astoria.

There was a lot of traffic and by the time we got to the Tappan Zee bridge we were all pretty quiet. I played Derek some of the more muggle songs on my iPod, including my favorite, "Glen Rock Falls" by the Mudbloods and he said "I don't recognize any of these bands but it doesn't sound like hipster music." Then we listened to Frank Ocean on his iPod for the next two hours or so. I think everyone eventually fell asleep. I had this really weird, vague dream that Russell was trying to sell me crackers in the dining hall.

We returned to campus and most of the back of the bus tried to shove our empty cardboard lunch boxes inside a solar trash compactor outside the student union. They didn't really fit so we ran away. Now I'm sitting in my dorm alone, waiting to go to the Condom Casino tonight and wondering if any of my friends will text me back.

Hey before I forget, you should all watch this video from Carrie Hope Fletcher. This girl is just lovely and she's one of my favorite people. I've kind of been in the same place as her this year except I'm still waiting to find the right people to help me find my switch. I have people who I love dearly and who will support me but they live so far away and aren't really in the position to help. So I'm just looking for my path again in the dark, and hoping to find other people stumbling around the woods as well. Maybe one of us will have a flashlight.

All right I just got back from the Condom Casino with Trish! That was a lot of fun. We started the night with five condoms and a few pieces of candy each I ended with 16 condoms, 1 female condom, 2 dental dams, 2 cardboard wheels with what to say if your partner doesn't want to use a condom and what to do instead of sex, 1 packet of water-based lube, 1 Twizzler, 1 Baby Ruth (which I think I'll just give to Trish who loves them), 2 packets of chocolate covered pretzels, and 1 Starburst. I feel like I'm a beauty guru making a haul video!

Trish and I had something of a wild time there. We figured out how to beat the system of the dice throwing game by betting candy and getting two condoms in return and keeping the candy to bet with again. And we didn't realize that at the table with the female condoms, lube, dental dams, and cardboard wheels you were supposed to trade in condoms to get them. We just took them. And we took our candy and condoms back off the roulette table to bet with them again. And we took candy from tables if no one was nearby. And at one of the roulette stations when the guy running it went off somewhere we took the candy that he had one back. And Trish took a condom right the bag under his nose. If it had been an actual casino we would either be in jail or be rich.

That's all for today. I have a math exam tomorrow that I really should study for. I wonder if I will.

Astronomy, math, and a possible scalene triangle

Hello everyone! And by everyone I mean Future Me, mostly. Today is Wednesday in case you didn't know. (It's okay. I spent four hours yesterday, Tuesday, thinking it was Wednesday.) On Wednesdays I only have one class at 8 am so I have the rest of the day to myself. I'd say I was fairly productive, at least in comparison to other days.

I was supposed to go talk to the director of the symphonic band here on campus but no one was in the office so I ran away. Man sometimes social situations can really suck. I hate talking to people I don't know. I'm almost grateful no one answered my knocks. So I spent the next few hours doing math homework. I have a big exam on Friday and don't know nearly enough. It was oddly enjoyable in a vague sort of way. I'm really starting to like difference quotients. I think it's because you can use them to find the velocity of a guided missile. So that practical application is pretty cool.

Speaking of guided missiles I have to return a book to the library and go to astronomy club. See you when I get back!

Okay now I've returned, showered and warm again. It was SERIOUSLY cold tonight. On my walk back from the observatory I couldn't tell if it was my phone vibrating or my legs.

Anyway most of the afternoon was just math all over the place. Though Derek did come over before his class. We drank cider. I told the story of how I thought I was on a date but then the guy brought his mom to dinner. Derek tried to convince me that Batman does not think he is a bat and encouraged me to watch more Miyazaki films. (I saw "Spirited Away" a couple months ago.) We exchanged tales of getting into trouble or getting kicked out of business establishments. It was nice.

Then I had dinner with Sierra (my roommate), Kim, and Megan where I insulted two of Megan's loves, soy and cranberries. Sorry Megan, but they try and get into every food these days. Someone has to put their foot down.

I went to the astronomy club afterward as you know. I think I was the only person besides Raj (the professor) and Stephen (the president) who had been there before. The other four were from one of Raj's classes getting extra credit. It was kind of elementary because of that but still fun. Raj asked for the time when he was programming the big computerized telescope and one of his students said "Around eight-thrity-ish?" Raj said "I need specific." Just as I said "eight-twenty-nine." The new kids all said "Oooooh!" and I so I replied with "Ooooooh I can tell time."

It was the coldest yet but still fun. I hadn't been out that way in a month and a half because of other commitments so I loved getting back there. The girl who I usually walk back to campus with, Kaitlin, wasn't there tonight so that was disappointing. But I did kind of hit it off with one of the students. When Stephen was pointing out the Summer Triangle she asked "Is it a scalene triangle?" I burst out laughing and she joined in. I wish I had gotten her name.

Oh and I got to see Jupiter, including banding and its four Galilean moons, and the Pleiades. That last one always being a special treat.

Now I'm talking with Adam about how much the other's gender confuses us. He being a man and I being a woman. It's nice to know the complications go both ways. Speaking of Adam, here's a link to an article I wrote for the Potter Pensieve Podcast (a Harry Potter podcast and subsequent website I started with him) on my trip to Harry Potter: the Exhibition in Manhattan last weekend. Comment and you could be featured on the next episode of the podcast!

I think that's it for today. Tomorrow I'm going to the Museum of Moving Image with my combined media and composition class.

(Also I might have accidentally taken an extra dose of medication today so we'll see how this goes. Wish me luck.)

Until next time, everybody/Future Me!

Farms; I painted my nails red

Today I went to a farm with strangers.

I could just leave this blogpost there and never elaborate on it but I guess I want to talk about it.

I went with my ecological anthropology class so they're not really strangers but they're not really acquaintances either. They're classmates. And these classmates tend to be on the "hippie-love-Earth-all-organic" side of the spectrum while I tend towards the "practical-I-don't-care-what's-in-it-I-want-to-eat-it" side. These classmates are mostly city kids or at least model-suburban who have very little experience with farms. I, on the other hand, grow most of my own produce in the spring and summer and come from a farming family. So it was fun to show that despite my comparatively capitalistic views, I knew more about compost and crop rotation than anyone.

This farm though. It was pretty small compared to others I've been on but it was gorgeous. There wasn't much to see as the harvest had already passed but it had a good deal of space for planting and the most amazing view. You could see the mountains and the house on top of that, green pasture after green pasture, and this idyllic little farm house. It was all so comforting and familiar to me and the compost smelled so good and clean I didn't want to leave. Plus it was a completely incredible day weather-wise. It was about 65 degrees with a light blue sky mostly clear except for a few light clouds. After my media class this morning I just sat on a lawn with my friend Derek for an hour enjoying it. So it was a shame to come back.

Especially since I came back to my side of the building where I live being blocked off for radiation. I'll tell you if my powers begin to develop.

Then I watched some early episodes of the Office and painted my nails red, smiling to myself. I was smiling because my friend Kelly wrote her final AP Literature paper on this great poem by Carole Satyamurti. It goes like this:

"I shall paint my nails red
Because a bit of color is a public service.
Because I am proud of my hands.
Because it will remind me I’m a woman.
Because I will look like a survivor.
Because I can admire them in traffic jams
Because my daughter will say 'ugh.'
Because my lover will be surprised.
Because it is quicker than dyeing my hair.
Because it is a ten-minute moratorium.
Because it is reversible."

Kelly and I spent quite a bit of time doing homework together last year and so I know the poem pretty well. I think of her whenever I paint my nails red and smile because Kelly is my fellow woman of science and education, who likes to admire her hands in traffic jams.

To finish off I'll leave you with a comment card from Derek on the presentation I completely pulled out of my ass during composition today. He says "That was just beautiful. I have never seen such a high level of bullshitting. :D" Thanks, Derek.

City trips, weird nostalgia, and Joe Biden

I may not have been entirely fair in my most recent blogpost. I could be reading into things too much and I certainly did not mean what I wrote to apply to all of my friends here. I have a few good ones that I think I will be keeping. But that's how I felt when I wrote it and I am not a fan of invalidating emotions, even my own in hindsight, and so that post will remain as a primary source for when people want to write my biographies.

I'm feeling moderately better than I did on Friday, anyway. On Saturday I took a trip to New York City to see Kara and Alex. It was definitely what I needed.

I overslept and was worried when I found the bus station in my town to be half in ruins. But none of that mattered as my bus was ten minutes late anyway. After a few blocks of vague panicking and city-wandering, this rural suburban girl managed to find her way to the NYPL to meet two of her closest friends. We spent the day looking through a food exhibit in the library, finding our way to the Harry Potter Exhibition that just so happened to be in the city the same day as we were (really, we had no idea it was there until we saw signs for it), eating at Chipotle for my first time, and then planted Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans throughout Bryant Park. Really. We threw them on statues and hid them in kiosks and left them in the hands of mannequins and buried them in potted plants.

It was so good to be amongst internet friends again. (Though at this point Kara is barely a URL friend anymore.) It was so great to giggle our way through the sorting ceremony at the Exhibition and to squeal over pictures of Gilderoy Lockhart and make jokes about how Harry Potter wears Nikes and how short Daniel Radcliffe is. We gossiped about people in the fandom we know and told stories about our school lives and what we did there.

So I was rather miserable as I walked back to my dorm room from the station last night with obnoxious blue eyeshadow (random stop at Sephora, knowing full well we couldn't afford anything) on my eyes and a burrito sitting mildly awkwardly in my stomach. It sucks to live so far away from the people I love and it's great to see them at long last but then it sucks again to leave them.

I suppose you could say I've been rather miserable as a whole lately, though. For some reason I've been reading through Hayley G. Hoover's blogposts from 2009 and it's making me weirdly nostalgic for my own spring and summer of senior year. Reading through my BEDA posts from this year you could argue that I was rather unhappy for that time in my life but that's not true. I think I genuinely had a pretty good senior year. Definitely my best in school so far. It's also occurred to me that in nine days I will be 19, and thus entering my last year as a teenager. Maybe it's because of the nostalgia or this realization that my time for being an angsty, whiny teenager is limited or lingering insecurity about the people I go to school with or because I miss my friends, but I was feeling rather low.

I thought about last spring when I was feeling rather good about myself and realized that I did a lot of walking then. Whether to school or back or to the grocery store or the creek or the dollar store or the Chinese take-out place during free (and not so free...) periods, I probably walked more than I did at any other time in my life. So, it being a deliciously warm November day, I decided to walk to Rite-Aid.

I really only meant to pick up some red nail polish and remover but of course that didn't happen. I have this huge love/hate relationship with stores where you can get a bunch of different things like convenience stores and Wal-Marts and, my love, Wegmans. On the one hand, it's fun and exciting and you never know what you'll find. Where I'm from, that's where you go with your friends on a Saturday night. But I also always get more than I intend to. Today was no exception. In addition to the polish and remover, I also purchased a birthday card. For Joe Biden.

No, I'm not kidding. I bought our Vice-President a birthday card. We share a birthday, he's my political soulmate, and I have a Leslie Knope sized crush on him. How do you find a card that says "I admire you for all you do in your service to the country but I'm also strangely attracted to you"? There was no "For the Vice President" section and I nearly got him one that said "Today, you're the queen" but resisted and got him a very respectable and heartfelt one. Though I nearly asked strangers their advice but just wasn't up to that sort of conversation.

I also bought a bag of mini-Hershey bars. I'm less proud about this as I've already eaten five of them. I grabbed them on a whim and as soon as I bought them realized I didn't want them. Well, that was true for about an hour. I definitely want them now....

So that's the life of an anxiety ridden almost-not-a-teenager with depressive tendencies and friends who live too far away.

I'll bet you're really excited for those biographies now, aren't you?

I don't like my friends

I don't want to be the one to constantly destroy relationships with the people around me and consequently destroy myself, but I'm just not happy. I tried to be. I really have. But I just haven't enjoyed my friends company in nearly three weeks now.

It used to be that I would get in a fight with one of them maybe once every two weeks but we would be fine almost immediately afterward. But now I fight with them one after another, they annoy me collectively, and it's feeling more and more like a chore to hang out with them all together. The most I can do is a large dinner a few times a week before I'm exhausted. That is if they actually invite me to it.

Usually they don't invite me places. I will text them, asking if they want to eat dinner. I won't get a reply. I'll go on my own and find them there already started a meal with little room at the table. The conversation will be on Avatar or Game of Thrones or just devolve into shouting and quoting that I don't find interesting. I'll try and say something. I'll try and contribute. I will be ignored. They will get up to leave while I'm still eating. They won't say if they're doing something afterwards or if they were doing something before. They just assume I'll know.

I won't know.

To know things, you have to be told about them.

I won't be told about them. They'll casually mention them in passing and act as if I were there for the occasion. I rarely am. And I don't seem to be missed when they realize I wasn't.

I can't actually remember the last time I was properly invited to do something with them. It's like they're all combined in this telepathic field which just tells them where everyone will be that makes using phones completely unnecessary. That seems to be the only acceptable conclusion as to why my messages and calls are so rarely answered.

So a few weeks ago, sick of being forgotten and left to eat dinner on my own at eight after waiting for an invitation, I started asking people myself. I'd be lucky to get one reply after twenty minutes but that was something. Now I'm not even sure if I'll do that anymore. Because I really don't want to spend time with people who don't want to put in the effort to spend time with me. Because it feels like a chore hanging out with them. They travel in packs. I'll text a few people who I want to eat with and an entire entourage will show up. They'll insist that seven of us can fit at one crowded table and I will again be ignored in conversation. I'll make some efforts, be denied, and then be as quiet as possible, wondering if anyone will notice. Generally they don't.

I want to transfer and I'm not very happy but I still see them out of social necessity and because I fear the confrontation. Which is why I'm posting this here. Ordinarily something so emotional would be posted on my tumblr blog but that is no longer safe. So many of the people I'm referring to follow me there and I'm really starting to wish they wouldn't. I shouldn't have been so free with my URL. Even a well-intended reblog can feel like an invasion of privacy these days. I feel almost cut off because of it. I'm not sure who will be reading this as I can't even post the link on tumblr and risk them finding my real blog where I write things that I feel matter more and are more private. But for those who do read this and make it this far, thanks. I appreciate you putting in the effort.

Any angry post about a restaurant

I don't think I have ever made plans that have ever completely worked out. And I don't think you have either. And I don't think you have ever met anyone who has and I don't think the guy rifling for his keys under the lamppost has and I just don't think that's a thing that has ever happened ever.

Tonight was one of those "plans-not-actually-happening" nights.

All week I had this idea in my mind of how tonight would go. A few friends were going to gather in a dorm and have a good old-fashioned sleepover. We were going to watch TV and do our nails and eat and say things we would regret in the morning. This was the thought that kept me going through two papers, a math test, and a stilted presidential debate, and the even worse, in-class discussion of it.

But of course that didn't happen.

People decided to stay on campus for the weekend, people decided to make new plans, people decided to be asses. So instead of having a silly night of victory after my week of work, I got miscommunication and disagreements. Gee, what contest did I win?

One of my friends wanted to go into town. After some persuading I agreed to join her and some others. After all, I really should explore my new home a bit more. We decided to go to some little pasta place that my parents and I had tried eating at last week. I say "try" because we never actually got our food. All we ordered was soup but after 45 minutes when it didn't come we had to leave in time to go on a boat ride. It turns out they made each bowl individually. Which seems lovely and personal on the surface but is actually really dumb. I don't know how knowledgeable you are in the field of liquid cuisine, but soup has to simmer. It just does. That's how it gets flavor. you can't just make one bowl of it to order. Plus it would be way to expensive. So though I had to abandon the bistro on my first attempt I thought I'd try it again.

So we went in and waited in the crammed room for our table. And we waited. And we waited. We could see what table were going to have. But they hadn't cleared it. So we watched it. Just as I was considering grabbing a dishrag and wiping it down myself, a waitress started to clean it up. So we scooted into our corner of the restaurant and looked through the menu. Everything sounded really good. The inside of the building was very small, but cozy and artfully decorated in a musical style with interesting lighting. But on closer inspection, it wasn't.

A.) $2 or $3 or $4 charge for sharing a meal. It varied depending on what menu you got. Seriously? You're in a college town. If you think us cheap-ass students can pay $4 when we have to share a meal don't you think we'd just order another dish? For $4 you could pretty much buy another lunch.
B.) They did not offer smaller lunch orders for cheaper which is what we planned on getting. Apparently those aren't offered past a certain time despite the menu not saying anything about it.
C.) Once again, the wait. It just took so damn long. I only just remembered that I had a salad, it was so long ago.
D.) The pizza tasted like Spaghetti-Os.

Other than that the food was pretty good. I've been spoiled with Italian food, growing up where I did, but it was tasty enough.

So we got ready to pay. The restaurant didn't do separate checks, half of us were paying with cards, I only had $3 on me, the woman did not know how to do math, and one of the girls I was with started having some sort of episode and shouting that she wasn't going to pay $118 for pasta. The owner was quite catty about the fact that she had to do math for SEVEN PEOPLE and kept repeating to herself that she was a small business owner, almost like a mantra.

I know you're a small business owner, ma'am, but I have a small wallet. And I am not much in the mood for spending $12 to sit in a too-small restaurant for three and a half hours, eating so-hot-and-weirdly-spiced-that-you-don't-even-taste-things angel-hair pasta, only to have to do the math for my bill on the back of a napkin while you stare on aggressively.

In protest I ripped up the business card that would offer me a free meal after I ate there ten times on the sidewalk outside. No doubt I would have to wait for five hours and then be forced to sit under a table and add fractions before I could eat it.

So my plans have no mutated into "sit in my dorm writing a blogpost and then catch up on last night's Parks and the Office.

I am not a bad person

I am not a bad person.

I'm not. Not really. I somehow got it in my mind years and years ago that I am an awful person. I don't know why. As far as I know I have never murdered a man in cold blood. I haven't run over a puppy. I've never drugged someone or done unspeakable things to them. I may lie. And I may cheat. And I definitely steal but never with big things. I do all of these wrong things on a smaller scale. And yet I have this constant feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach like I did some horrid, awful thing that I can never be forgiven for. But if I did then I don't remember it!

So I don't know why I always feel guilty. And I don't know why I think of myself as so bad. And I don't know why when the Christians on campus ask if I'm good enough to get into heaven I laugh and tell them no. But for as long as I can remember I have felt this.

No one ever pulled me aside as a child and said that I was just a cruel person. I know I have done some pretty bad things but I was young and undiagnosed and unmedicated and I'm not sure how many of those things can really be blamed on me. It's hard to separate yourself from illness and side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Especially when you've been living as I have for so long. But I don't think I've ever apologized for any of those things I've done. And I only ever admitted the worst one to a friend during health class when we were supposed to share a secret with the person sitting next to us.

So I really don't know why I always feel guilty and I always live in fear of someone finding out about the things I never even did.

I can be cold. And I can be a bitch. And I make fun of people. And I get annoyed at things and others easily. I can be snarky. I can be apathetic. I can be so rude and so mean and so callous.

But I am not a bad person.

It is Yom Kippur today. I am hungry and have a headache and my desk is covered in apples and they are mocking me. Today I am supposed to atone for my sins and seek forgiveness and think of what a bad person I am. But I do that last one everyday. And it gets tiring after 18 years. And today I think the person I need forgiveness from the most is myself.

I need to forgive myself for the person I was when I was younger. And I need to forgive myself for the chemical imbalances inside my body. And I need to forgive myself for the harm I've caused to others because of them. I need to forgive myself for having to live the way I do. I need to forgive myself for the harm I've caused to myself. I need to forgive myself the scars and the compulsions and the unbreakable habits. The memories and the hatred I hold of myself. And more than anything I need to focus on how to be better at living with myself.

If I have done anything to offend you, World, or wronged you in anyway, I am sorry. I ask your forgiveness.

I am not a bad person.

I am not a bad person but I can try to be better.

How to make yourself feel better

Hi. I realize that no one reads this anymore because I don't post anymore. And I'm fine with that. I really am. But if you got lost and happened across this, listen up. Because today I am going to teach you how to make yourself feel better.

Step 1.) TURN ON THE LIGHTS! I know it's tempting to wallow in the darkness and you think that if you see your reflection in the mirror you'll puke, but trust me. Things will look better when you can look at them.

Step 2.) Wrap yourself in a blanket. It's nice and it's warm and it's soft and it's like a hug without having to talk to anyone. My blanket of choice is the only blanket I have here. A lovely blue fleece one that was a gift from my high school's music department. It's like a sousaphone engulfing me with tenderness.

Step 3.) Stop assigning meaning to objects. That shoe does not represent all the hopes and dreams you once thought were possible. It represents a foot. Don't make a shoe more than a shoe.

Step 4.) Hydration! Water makes you feel better it just does. And if you can't eat then at least it will make you feel a little more full.

Step 5.) Go out and do something. Do not just sit around and wait for the call you're hoping will come. You will find distraction and maybe realize that what you thought meant so much to you, doesn't actually. So stop jumping every time your phone buzzes. You know it's only a tweet from Maureen Johnson. Get oustide.

I know this will all come across as rather hypocritical. I am currently sitting on my bed wrapped in my blanket while Spirit Weekend on my campus rages all around me. But at least I realize that who knows? Maybe I'll drag my ass outside to the quad in a bit and try and be enthusiastic. After all, it's a balmy 72 degrees with a pervasive mist. That should be like pure energy to an Upstate girl.

Sorry for this. You don't have to read it, really.

I don't know what it is I just feel jumpy and restless. I wish this guy would text me and I wish I had said "I hope I'll see you sooner than that" and I wish I hadn't said what I did or been as confused/confusing as I was but basically I have his umbrella.

That was weird. Please forgive me for that. But I'm about a month into my first year of college and I kind of needed to say that for some reason or another. I hope this great feeling of discontent will pass in a few days and that I'll see this person soon.

I'm sorry I haven't written much here. I forgot it existed and I wasn't really in the mood for it. But I needed this blog today just to say all of those things above. I talked to my friend Etco about it earlier and I felt better. So I think just saying things and sending them out into the world helps to make them feel better. Except it's gotten more confusing since I talked with Etco and I wish I had a time turner to change what I said.

All the little things

Hi. I know I haven't written anything here in over a month. I guess May was just really busy, what with APs and concerts and whatever else I've been doing. Skipping classes a lot I guess. But tomorrow is the start of my last week of high school. And I guess I just felt like writing.

I saw the Perks of Being a Wallflower trailer tonight and it was really, really good. I love it. I fall in love with Emma Watson all over again every time she speaks. I haven't actually read the book. I started to when I found a copy of it in the band room during a concert a few months ago. From the little I read, I really like it. I think I'll take it out of the library tomorrow and read it. But back to the trailer.

At the end when they're in the car and Charlie, I think his name is, is standing up and has his arms up in the air and he's letting out his wild yawp and the voice-over is saying that in that moment they are infinite or whatever, it made me think. It made me feel inspired and determined to have a bunch of amazing experiences in high school and to live out my formative teenage years in wild, reckless abandon. But then it dawned on me; I do not have time. I have had my formative teenage years, and with wild and reckless abandon or not, they have been lived. I have one week left of school and then I graduate a couple weeks after that. I am so close to being done with this time in my life.

I do not have the time to get in a fight in the cafeteria or surprise someone by showing up to a raging kegger at the quarterback's house. I cannot cheat on a test or storm out of a class or sneak on to the roof with some boy for a clandestine meeting. Those days are gone. And while I feel like overall I've lived them well enough, I didn't live them as well as I could have.

I could have gotten my driver's license.

I could have taken a proper solo in band.

I could have gone to a high school dance.

I could have actually made that music video I wanted to for "This Isn't Hogwarts".

I could have done a thousand things that I never did.

And now the possibility of doing these things is reaching dangerously close to its expiration date.

It's not as if there is one very tremendous thing that I wish I had done, but there are a thousand little "could-have-dones". And losing the opportunity to do them... I don't like the feeling of doors being closed is all.

April: The End

Well. That went well, didn't it?

Just like with NaNoWriMo last November, my blogging plans were torn asunder by drama club. I'm not too upset about it because I had fun when I was doing BEDA and Photo a day in April regularly and when I was not. I liked blogging a lot and I think that I will continue with it more regularly. Especially now since I'm so close to graduating and all. I would like to have a record of that if only for myself. I have written a couple posts like that this year and then didn't publish them when I realized they were just for me so we'll see. (Rhyme. Teehee.)

I ended my first post this month with these lines:

"Eliot said that April is the cruelest month. The school librarian tells me that if you can get through March then you can get through to Summer. We'll see who's right."

Having made it through March this year and all but five and a half hours of April I can say that Eliot was wrong.

April has not been a picnic. In fact, I did not have one picnic. It has been confusing and stressful and tiring but so far it has not been as bad as March. And as I read T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land" today, 9th period at the creek, I knew that April can be cruel when it mixes memory and desire, but it's not the cruelest. March is an Indian Giver, presenting you with gifts and then snatching them away, leaving you in the dark. And a mix of memory and desire and lilacs in dead land are not nearly as bad as that. April hurts, but in a satisfying way.

Day 23: One week to go

Today I didn't do much. Everyone was wearing their senior sweatshirts and finishing signing each other's posters from Grease in the music suite hallway. It was like walking down a hallway of sadness and memories. Nate and I barged in on Kendra's chorus lesson and demand that our musical director sign our posters. Then the student teacher and I plugged in the cardboard "juke box" and really got the party started. I was supposed to go to a biology review after school but really didn't feel like it so I watched 9 episodes of iCarly instead. Whoops. I'm not even ashamed. (I'm a little ashamed.)

I'm going to bed now. Good night!

Day 22: 7 years, take 2

Today I woke up on the floor of my friend Madison's house next to to Jordan. He was next to Jenny. Tori was above us. There was also a potato somewhere that Jenny had confiscated around 5 in the morning. I didn't so much wake up, as become more and more aware of my surroundings. I think I slept for at least an hour or two. I mean, the last thing I remember it was dark, and then it was light. Not much sleeping was had.

Today was the last day of Grease. Our third packed house. And the last show for us seniors. There were many emotions which I will not say for fear of starting them up again.

I'm going to admit right here that I've been wearing the t-shirt from my 9th grade musical, State Fair, for the last 30 or so hours. Mascara is smeared across a corner of it. I can't be tamed.

Tomorrow the seniors are wearing our senior sweatshirts and the t-shirt from our favorite show. I'm going with Larceny and Old Lace from 8th grade. Up until this weekend I would say that it was our best show but now I'm not so sure. But I wore my Grease t-shirt on Friday. Anyway, it's nice to have an excuse to wear t-shirts and sweatshirts tomorrow. Scumday, Monday, whaddup! Especially since it's supposed to be really rainy.

That's another thing. Sunday shows have always been bright and clear and early with a vague chill in the air and wispy, white cirrus clouds. Today it was damp and grey and drizzling and I thought it was quite fitting. My group of seniors was much more emotional than any other group that I can remember. (We blame Dan for it.) So it's follows that the sky is, too.

Day 20 and 21: What?

I didn't blog yesterday because it was opening night of Grease. I think it went pretty well. It was a full house. Afterwards we went to Friendly's like we always do after the Friday night show and I ate a Reese's Pieces waffle sundae which was mind blowing and bonded with Jordan over our tendency towards kleptomania.

I slept for 11 hours today and only got out of bed around 1400. And that was to eat a sub and a cannoli. I am watching The Show with Ze Frank and writing this and what? What is this new format? It is awful. It is literally the worst. Why does google always change things and connect things and wind up botching them ll up?

I have call in an our and 45 minutes so I'm going to watch as much Ze Frank as I can before then. Goodbye.

Day 19: Too bad

It just became April 20th. And I did write blog post today, but you can't see it because it is for me and my cast and crew mates in our theatre company. Tonight was our last rehearsal for Grease and for the seniors, our last ever. And that is too powerful to share with the masses.

Day 18: Whoops

I forgot to properly blog yesterday because I had a late rehearsal and before I remembered I was already in bed. But I did send this from my phone so it counts.

Yup.

Day 17: I can smell a Tuesday

It's a Tuesday. I could smell it yesterday. And it has the scent even more today. Since it's a Tuesday.

I'm only going to give today's highlight because I have homework and stuff.

I walked around the track for all of gym class with my friend Allison. She has been shut out of her usual group of friends recently as well as breaking up with her boyfriend of two years. Needless to say she has not been the happiest or optimistic person. Which is fine. She can join Molly and I in the Communion of Cynics. Anyway, Allison convinced me to hangout with her 8th period instead of going home like I usually do so she didn't have to spend it with the people who were causing her so much anguish. I suggested that we walk down to the lower playing field but we wound up continuing on to a creek behind the school. I picked up a tennis ball along the way by the courts. We stumbled down the steep hills on the crude desire paths. My summers spent on the shores of lakes came in handy as I am exceptionally good at walking down steep, rocky, slippery surfaces. Once we both got to the little rock beach we skipped stones and joked and talked and considered never going back to school and just following the creek and seeing where it took us. I had never been down there before and I'm not sure if Allison had either but I think we'll definitely be back. It reminded me of the creek behind Kara Sabbagh's old house in Poughkeepsie. On our way back up to the school I decided to drop the tennis ball in the helmet in the basket of the moped of one of the older people who were playing.

It was a good day.

We found a lot of heart-shaped rocks but Allison found the best ones.

Day 16: Tanning Club

Not much happened today. I just generally got back into the school groove. Or at least tried to. I was kind of surprised to find myself back in classes today as I had somehow gotten it into my head over the last week and a half that I had already graduated. And I forgot until just now that I was going to greet everyone all creepily. Next time, next time.

Today was outrageously hot for April. At one point my thermometer read 90 degrees F. It was hot and just a little heavy with moisture, with the air making the surroundings a little hazy and grey. The cloud cover had burned off some by late afternoon when I found myself on my deck in my favorite arrangement reading The All-American Boys.

Later I went to rehearsal. All of the actors except for a few late ones and most of the crew and a couple of musicians showed up around 5 pm when our calendar said our call was. The directors weren't there. As it would turn out, it was not a dress rehearsal and we didn't actually have to be there until 6 pm. Street clothes, baby. Usually I would have been thrilled to know this but in anticipation of the dress, I stayed in the tank top and gym shorts that I threw on after my walk home. This change of schedule prompted me to say "Dammit! If I had known it wasn't a dress then I would have worn more pants!" right as a group of children and their mother was walking by. So we lay on the pavement and ate French fries and talked and fell on each other and braided each other's hair. The rule was "Sun's out, gun's out!" meaning that you had to have your shirt sleeves rolled up because we frowned upon farmers tans. This was funny because a few of the boys were true hicks, from the rural part of our school district's rural town. When we told Nate to roll up his sleeves we were quite shocked at the guns he was packing. Swimming, man. It rips you.

A usual rehearsal followed with more reading and some light studying outside in between scenes for me. And all in all, it was a pretty enjoyable rehearsal.

Day 15: You don't kno-o-ow!

Urgh. This has been a long day. I had Grease rehearsal for 6 and a half hours where I alternated between doing biology homework, reading for English, singing "What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction, eating taco dip, and actually rehearsing Grease. Now I'm home and there's an airplane outside my window heading from the South and banking East. I live near two airports and I've started to memorize the flight paths of some of the flights.

So I got home and half-assed half of an AP Government assignment. I decided to ignore the rest and just not do it. Today is Sunday so I watched some Trek with Bruce and the gang. DS9 again but it was "Trials and Tribbulations" which is the one where they go back in time to the ToS Tribble episode. It was nice because that was the one DS9 episode besides the ones from last week that I vaguely know. And now I think I have to greet everyone I see tomorrow by shouting out "HUMANS!" and throwing my arms open and then drinking Klingon coffee. Or something.

I haven't showered yet since I went to livestream as soon as I got home from rehearsal so I'm still covered in hairspray and make-up. (22 bobby pins today. The in-school performance from the Thursday before break was 13.) I have to get up early tomorrow because I have to go back to school. Noooooooooo! Urgh. jwhtl;sh;lkwqh;klrhyl3 I'm going to go shower and go to bed and just leave you with this picture of the sunset I took at 19h15.

Day 14: Adjusting my attitude, pitch, and yaw

Well hello, everyone! You're looking LOVELY today, blog readers. I'm feeling really, really good today. I did a review packet for AP Bio and it kind of failed miserably. It turns out I don't remember much. I need to start some hard studying soon. I still have a lot of bio left and not much time to do it. It's 21h00 now and I've got rehearsal for SEVEN HOURS tomorrow. Plus I have reading for English. But I don't care and I'm okay and I know I'll get it done. Do you know why I don't care?

Well, I'll tell you.

Right now I'm listening to Liam Payne's X-Factor audition and it's AMAZING. I will begin to accept marriage proposals from Liam Payne starting NOW. I watched the One Direction iCarly episode and it was great. I think that Sam represents all of us when she drags Zayn into a dark corner at the end of it. Oh those boys. Right before that I watched the episode with Michelle Obama and I laughed and I cried and it was beautiful. Have I mentioned recently how much I adore Mrs. Obama? Because I do. A lot.

(I'm now listening to the One Direction "All You Need Is Love" cover form X-Factor. It's so good!)

So those are a couple reasons why I'm happy but the main one is a bit bigger.

Today I went with my dad to a disused ice cream factory to go to a program/showcase on Apollo flight simulators. The Blue Boxes. We got to fly one remotely form another simulator and it was so much fun! There were pictures from Mercury and other programs including one of the Finger Lakes. You could see my dad's hometown on it. There was the intended flight path for Apollo 13. A flight suit with a silk map of Europe. Airplane engines. Cockpit instrument panels. A flight instructor station that charted the simulators progress. Photos from training. Mission patches. A coloring book on the film used in John Glenn's camera that said there were "good rockets" and "bad rockets" and that we launched "good rockets" and how an astronaut is a "very brave man" who wears a "funny suit" and how "Wally Schirra is special. He is very, very special."

Then there were talks from the man who was in charge of making the Link simulators and Frank Hughes, the former Chief of Space Flight Training for NASA. They told us stories of the old days of NASA and the training of the astronauts. It was amazing. I had been reading Walter Cunningham's book The All-American Boys in the car and so I asked Mr. Hughes if he could sign it and he said that Walt would be pissed at him if he did. But he signed it and told us to "keep reaching for the stars." Then he asked me what I did and I told him I was a student and he asked if I would be joining them, meaning NASA and everyone else who makes space flight possible. I told him maybe and he said that they would be glad to have me. To put this into context, it would be like someone asking Alex Dahlberg to do a show that Darren Criss has worked on. I feel like everyday my resolution and desire to work in the aviation and aeronautics field grows stronger and stronger. And Frank Hughes encouraging me to just about seals it.

So, feeling confident, happy, and inspired, this is Heather Ryan, signing off.

Day 13: Friday the 13th

I didn't even realize it was Friday the 13th until a few hours ago. Then I promptly forgot until now.

Today hasn't been too shabby a day. I was going to do homework but never got around to it. Instead I read in the sun and did some gardening. I weeded the garden and the strawberry patch and it was beautiful. And tomorrow I'm going to some Apollo simulator program? I don't really know what's going to happen there but I'm sure it will be awesome with programs by people from NASA and simulator contractors and a couple simulators themselves and the guy who was head of manned spaceflight astronaut training during the Apollo days. I'm pretty excited. I guess our area manufactured a lot of the simulators which is awesome and a thing that I didn't know so I'm really looking forward to it. I'll have to get up early to do some homework beforehand but whatever. It's worth it.

I hope things are picking up in terms of the suck level of days.

Day 12: We're still doing this? Also, space.

Seriously? I still have to write these things? Ugh. It's not even the 12th anymore. I was making poptarts and now it's the 13th. oOOOoooooOOOooohhhhhhh! Spooky. Or something. God these blogs are positively dripping with laziness and boring-ness. Once I get back to school I'm sure that I'll have more things to write about. Not that I really want to go back to school and face you-know-who.

Today I read and watched Parks and the Office came back which was beautiful. Then I made the poptarts.

Today was the 51st anniversary of Yuri Gagarin's first space flight. He was a cosmonaut and the first man in space. The first space shuttle, Columbia, also had her first flight today back in 1981 with a crew of John Young and Bob Crippen. Last year my dad, little sister, and I went to launch rockets. This year I didn't remember until late in the afternoon. My dad had a library board meeting after work so we couldn't really do anything for it except raise a glass of milk or water. Next year, even though I'll be at school, I'll do something better. But you can watch the video I made last year in the mean time. It's simple, but it's still one of the things that I'm most proud of.

Onwards!

Day 11: The Slump

Hey guys it's technically the 12th right now because I just got home from seeing the Hunger Games for the 2nd time with my dad and sisters. It was better the 2nd time and everyone's still just as hot.

And yeah. That's about it. I got out of bed around 3 pm and ate depressing food and watched Parks and Rec and did laundry. The weather was exciting though. It hailed. A lot. Twice. The second time was actually really awesome and the hailstones were pretty big and I ate them and caught them in my water glass and made hailballs and threw them. Dancing in hail doesn't leave as much of a physical reminder as rain does and it doesn't have the innocence of snow. It's cold and wet and stinging and tangible and the things just bounce right off of you and feel incredibly strange under bare feet. Then you start yelling at the sky why is it covering the ground with kosher salt? Then later the sky turned gold like it did after I returned home from AwesomeCon in July 2010 except it was only on the edges and less intense and then a rainbow appeared for only a couple minutes.

The end.

Day 10: 1/3rd there

It's the evening now and I usually don't start writing my blog until later tonight in case something exciting happens but I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen. Plus I'm listening to my dad on the radio so I don't have much else to do. and I like to do things with my hands when I'm watching or listening to something.

My dad is a doctor and he's talking about communities being planned that deter efforts to walk places and increase obesity. My dad was talking about how people need to exercise more and my mom mutters "He needs to exercise more." My sisters and I started laughing and then not two minutes later we hear our dad say "I need to exercise more myself" like he could hear us.

Oh my god an emergency alert system test just interrupted the program. Of course. xD

I have been a lot more healthy in general lately. Not this week because there is just so much food in my house. Plus I walk home from school almost everyday and since I don't have classes this week I've lost my mile and a half uphill trek. I just started walking about a month ago and I really like it. It's so nice. And on days that I walk I feel better about myself and I remember to be healthier for the rest of the day. Like if I know I'm walking home I usually won't eat two poptarts during the period before I leave. And when I get home I'm usually not very hungry so I'll eat a carrot or something. And then I'll do crunches while reading or watching tv or something. I'm just better when I walk. The high school and middle school are pretty much the only places you can walk to from my house so I might as well take advantage of it. Plus I don't have class for the last two periods so I get home more than an hour earlier that way.

Yup. That's about it. Oh remember when I wrote that huge and convoluted and confusing post about my prom situation? Yeah. My prom date is now in a relationship. We all knew it was coming but, um, weird. A little awkward. I almost wish he had told me, not because I like him or anything but because it would have been polite, you know? God why doesn't everyone involved in this thing just date each other and go together? So much simpler!

Okay, I have to go think of songs with the word "red" in them. A demain!