Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I am not a bad person

I am not a bad person.

I'm not. Not really. I somehow got it in my mind years and years ago that I am an awful person. I don't know why. As far as I know I have never murdered a man in cold blood. I haven't run over a puppy. I've never drugged someone or done unspeakable things to them. I may lie. And I may cheat. And I definitely steal but never with big things. I do all of these wrong things on a smaller scale. And yet I have this constant feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach like I did some horrid, awful thing that I can never be forgiven for. But if I did then I don't remember it!

So I don't know why I always feel guilty. And I don't know why I think of myself as so bad. And I don't know why when the Christians on campus ask if I'm good enough to get into heaven I laugh and tell them no. But for as long as I can remember I have felt this.

No one ever pulled me aside as a child and said that I was just a cruel person. I know I have done some pretty bad things but I was young and undiagnosed and unmedicated and I'm not sure how many of those things can really be blamed on me. It's hard to separate yourself from illness and side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Especially when you've been living as I have for so long. But I don't think I've ever apologized for any of those things I've done. And I only ever admitted the worst one to a friend during health class when we were supposed to share a secret with the person sitting next to us.

So I really don't know why I always feel guilty and I always live in fear of someone finding out about the things I never even did.

I can be cold. And I can be a bitch. And I make fun of people. And I get annoyed at things and others easily. I can be snarky. I can be apathetic. I can be so rude and so mean and so callous.

But I am not a bad person.

It is Yom Kippur today. I am hungry and have a headache and my desk is covered in apples and they are mocking me. Today I am supposed to atone for my sins and seek forgiveness and think of what a bad person I am. But I do that last one everyday. And it gets tiring after 18 years. And today I think the person I need forgiveness from the most is myself.

I need to forgive myself for the person I was when I was younger. And I need to forgive myself for the chemical imbalances inside my body. And I need to forgive myself for the harm I've caused to others because of them. I need to forgive myself for having to live the way I do. I need to forgive myself for the harm I've caused to myself. I need to forgive myself the scars and the compulsions and the unbreakable habits. The memories and the hatred I hold of myself. And more than anything I need to focus on how to be better at living with myself.

If I have done anything to offend you, World, or wronged you in anyway, I am sorry. I ask your forgiveness.

I am not a bad person.

I am not a bad person but I can try to be better.

1 comment:

  1. Heather, I just discovered your blog today and I wanted to let you know that I love and miss you tons!! Keep on being the wonderful, amazing, hilarious person and friend that you've always been! :) <3 - Kendra