Sunday, June 3, 2012

All the little things

Hi. I know I haven't written anything here in over a month. I guess May was just really busy, what with APs and concerts and whatever else I've been doing. Skipping classes a lot I guess. But tomorrow is the start of my last week of high school. And I guess I just felt like writing.

I saw the Perks of Being a Wallflower trailer tonight and it was really, really good. I love it. I fall in love with Emma Watson all over again every time she speaks. I haven't actually read the book. I started to when I found a copy of it in the band room during a concert a few months ago. From the little I read, I really like it. I think I'll take it out of the library tomorrow and read it. But back to the trailer.

At the end when they're in the car and Charlie, I think his name is, is standing up and has his arms up in the air and he's letting out his wild yawp and the voice-over is saying that in that moment they are infinite or whatever, it made me think. It made me feel inspired and determined to have a bunch of amazing experiences in high school and to live out my formative teenage years in wild, reckless abandon. But then it dawned on me; I do not have time. I have had my formative teenage years, and with wild and reckless abandon or not, they have been lived. I have one week left of school and then I graduate a couple weeks after that. I am so close to being done with this time in my life.

I do not have the time to get in a fight in the cafeteria or surprise someone by showing up to a raging kegger at the quarterback's house. I cannot cheat on a test or storm out of a class or sneak on to the roof with some boy for a clandestine meeting. Those days are gone. And while I feel like overall I've lived them well enough, I didn't live them as well as I could have.

I could have gotten my driver's license.

I could have taken a proper solo in band.

I could have gone to a high school dance.

I could have actually made that music video I wanted to for "This Isn't Hogwarts".

I could have done a thousand things that I never did.

And now the possibility of doing these things is reaching dangerously close to its expiration date.

It's not as if there is one very tremendous thing that I wish I had done, but there are a thousand little "could-have-dones". And losing the opportunity to do them... I don't like the feeling of doors being closed is all.