Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I am not a bad person

I am not a bad person.

I'm not. Not really. I somehow got it in my mind years and years ago that I am an awful person. I don't know why. As far as I know I have never murdered a man in cold blood. I haven't run over a puppy. I've never drugged someone or done unspeakable things to them. I may lie. And I may cheat. And I definitely steal but never with big things. I do all of these wrong things on a smaller scale. And yet I have this constant feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach like I did some horrid, awful thing that I can never be forgiven for. But if I did then I don't remember it!

So I don't know why I always feel guilty. And I don't know why I think of myself as so bad. And I don't know why when the Christians on campus ask if I'm good enough to get into heaven I laugh and tell them no. But for as long as I can remember I have felt this.

No one ever pulled me aside as a child and said that I was just a cruel person. I know I have done some pretty bad things but I was young and undiagnosed and unmedicated and I'm not sure how many of those things can really be blamed on me. It's hard to separate yourself from illness and side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Especially when you've been living as I have for so long. But I don't think I've ever apologized for any of those things I've done. And I only ever admitted the worst one to a friend during health class when we were supposed to share a secret with the person sitting next to us.

So I really don't know why I always feel guilty and I always live in fear of someone finding out about the things I never even did.

I can be cold. And I can be a bitch. And I make fun of people. And I get annoyed at things and others easily. I can be snarky. I can be apathetic. I can be so rude and so mean and so callous.

But I am not a bad person.

It is Yom Kippur today. I am hungry and have a headache and my desk is covered in apples and they are mocking me. Today I am supposed to atone for my sins and seek forgiveness and think of what a bad person I am. But I do that last one everyday. And it gets tiring after 18 years. And today I think the person I need forgiveness from the most is myself.

I need to forgive myself for the person I was when I was younger. And I need to forgive myself for the chemical imbalances inside my body. And I need to forgive myself for the harm I've caused to others because of them. I need to forgive myself for having to live the way I do. I need to forgive myself for the harm I've caused to myself. I need to forgive myself the scars and the compulsions and the unbreakable habits. The memories and the hatred I hold of myself. And more than anything I need to focus on how to be better at living with myself.

If I have done anything to offend you, World, or wronged you in anyway, I am sorry. I ask your forgiveness.

I am not a bad person.

I am not a bad person but I can try to be better.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

How to make yourself feel better

Hi. I realize that no one reads this anymore because I don't post anymore. And I'm fine with that. I really am. But if you got lost and happened across this, listen up. Because today I am going to teach you how to make yourself feel better.

Step 1.) TURN ON THE LIGHTS! I know it's tempting to wallow in the darkness and you think that if you see your reflection in the mirror you'll puke, but trust me. Things will look better when you can look at them.

Step 2.) Wrap yourself in a blanket. It's nice and it's warm and it's soft and it's like a hug without having to talk to anyone. My blanket of choice is the only blanket I have here. A lovely blue fleece one that was a gift from my high school's music department. It's like a sousaphone engulfing me with tenderness.

Step 3.) Stop assigning meaning to objects. That shoe does not represent all the hopes and dreams you once thought were possible. It represents a foot. Don't make a shoe more than a shoe.

Step 4.) Hydration! Water makes you feel better it just does. And if you can't eat then at least it will make you feel a little more full.

Step 5.) Go out and do something. Do not just sit around and wait for the call you're hoping will come. You will find distraction and maybe realize that what you thought meant so much to you, doesn't actually. So stop jumping every time your phone buzzes. You know it's only a tweet from Maureen Johnson. Get oustide.

I know this will all come across as rather hypocritical. I am currently sitting on my bed wrapped in my blanket while Spirit Weekend on my campus rages all around me. But at least I realize that who knows? Maybe I'll drag my ass outside to the quad in a bit and try and be enthusiastic. After all, it's a balmy 72 degrees with a pervasive mist. That should be like pure energy to an Upstate girl.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Sorry for this. You don't have to read it, really.

I don't know what it is I just feel jumpy and restless. I wish this guy would text me and I wish I had said "I hope I'll see you sooner than that" and I wish I hadn't said what I did or been as confused/confusing as I was but basically I have his umbrella.

That was weird. Please forgive me for that. But I'm about a month into my first year of college and I kind of needed to say that for some reason or another. I hope this great feeling of discontent will pass in a few days and that I'll see this person soon.

I'm sorry I haven't written much here. I forgot it existed and I wasn't really in the mood for it. But I needed this blog today just to say all of those things above. I talked to my friend Etco about it earlier and I felt better. So I think just saying things and sending them out into the world helps to make them feel better. Except it's gotten more confusing since I talked with Etco and I wish I had a time turner to change what I said.