Everyday becomes more emotional than the one before.
Last night I was going to dinner with Sierra, Megan, and Kim when I saw my former group of friends gathering. They hardly acknowledged me. And I couldn't do it. It was all too much and so I just left. Kim, Megan, and Sierra tried to get me to go up to the dining hall for dinner but I suddenly wasn't very hungry. So I just left and collapsed in my dorm room, sobbing about everything that was wrong with my life. (I'm even tearing up writing this.) After a while Sierra, Megan, and Kim brought me some food, including a makeshift grilled cheese they had toasted with the panini press. Except that squished the bread so it was mostly a centimeter of cheese with a fabric thin coating of bread. But I appreciated it anyway. We hung out in the dorm for a while after that. I texted Derek some and they helped with what to say. Derek invited me to go for a walk with him the next day.
So I did. Derek and I walked along the rail trail and he brought me to a bridge over a creek with a view on the mountains and the fields. It was lovely. Then when we got back to campus I asked if he wanted to go on a date sometime. He declined.
I'm so done with humanity. This whole thing is far too complicated and I want to just hibernate for a while. I miss Brooke and I want to talk with Elena and Dani but only Elena and Dani and no one else. At least I have plans to see Allison when I go back for Thanksgiving. But mostly I'm getting really angry at whoever is in charge of writing my life. Then I remember that that's me.
Well here's a happier story I forgot to tell you guys. On Friday night I was walking across campus and showing Megan where Jupiter was. She asked how I knew it was Jupiter and I started to explain to her about discs versus points of light and orbital patterns when Stephen, the president of the astronomy club, walked out of his building. I waved and said loudly enough for him to hear "I know it's Jupiter because Stephen told me!" He looked confused as he always does and I don't know if he recognized me or not as he usually doesn't but it was funny. Then Megan and I saw a shooting star. She said it was the first one she had seen in her life and starting shouting and jumping up and down. Then Stephen rode up behind us on his bike, pointed, and said "Did you see it?!" as he zoomed past. It was all just really funny and pleasant.
Thanksgiving is soon so expect either depressing blogs about my inner demons or warm ones full of holiday cheer. It's still too soon to tell which. We'll see what emotions come to the surface when I'm surrounded by family.
I hope you all have vaguely better days than I did!