Friday, November 9, 2012

I don't like my friends

I don't want to be the one to constantly destroy relationships with the people around me and consequently destroy myself, but I'm just not happy. I tried to be. I really have. But I just haven't enjoyed my friends company in nearly three weeks now.

It used to be that I would get in a fight with one of them maybe once every two weeks but we would be fine almost immediately afterward. But now I fight with them one after another, they annoy me collectively, and it's feeling more and more like a chore to hang out with them all together. The most I can do is a large dinner a few times a week before I'm exhausted. That is if they actually invite me to it.

Usually they don't invite me places. I will text them, asking if they want to eat dinner. I won't get a reply. I'll go on my own and find them there already started a meal with little room at the table. The conversation will be on Avatar or Game of Thrones or just devolve into shouting and quoting that I don't find interesting. I'll try and say something. I'll try and contribute. I will be ignored. They will get up to leave while I'm still eating. They won't say if they're doing something afterwards or if they were doing something before. They just assume I'll know.

I won't know.

To know things, you have to be told about them.

I won't be told about them. They'll casually mention them in passing and act as if I were there for the occasion. I rarely am. And I don't seem to be missed when they realize I wasn't.

I can't actually remember the last time I was properly invited to do something with them. It's like they're all combined in this telepathic field which just tells them where everyone will be that makes using phones completely unnecessary. That seems to be the only acceptable conclusion as to why my messages and calls are so rarely answered.

So a few weeks ago, sick of being forgotten and left to eat dinner on my own at eight after waiting for an invitation, I started asking people myself. I'd be lucky to get one reply after twenty minutes but that was something. Now I'm not even sure if I'll do that anymore. Because I really don't want to spend time with people who don't want to put in the effort to spend time with me. Because it feels like a chore hanging out with them. They travel in packs. I'll text a few people who I want to eat with and an entire entourage will show up. They'll insist that seven of us can fit at one crowded table and I will again be ignored in conversation. I'll make some efforts, be denied, and then be as quiet as possible, wondering if anyone will notice. Generally they don't.

I want to transfer and I'm not very happy but I still see them out of social necessity and because I fear the confrontation. Which is why I'm posting this here. Ordinarily something so emotional would be posted on my tumblr blog but that is no longer safe. So many of the people I'm referring to follow me there and I'm really starting to wish they wouldn't. I shouldn't have been so free with my URL. Even a well-intended reblog can feel like an invasion of privacy these days. I feel almost cut off because of it. I'm not sure who will be reading this as I can't even post the link on tumblr and risk them finding my real blog where I write things that I feel matter more and are more private. But for those who do read this and make it this far, thanks. I appreciate you putting in the effort.

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