Thursday, November 29, 2012

I am tired

I am tired of civilians discussing documentaries on war and debating how "accurate" they are.
I am tired of bleeding hearts looking at me like I'm a murderer if I say I eat meat.
I'm tired of isolated "Lon Gislanders" trying to tell me about square dancing.
I'm tired of the privileged going on about the benefits of organic produce while ignoring the existence of food deserts.
I'm tired of incessant slash shippers pretending to be the champions of the oppressed.
I'm tired of fan-girls crying for suicidal characters when real people around them want to die.
I'm tired of city kids never shutting up about their goddamned "real" pizza and bagels.
I'm tired of would-be activists protesting for the sake of protesting.
I'm tired of citizens of manicured Westchester berating those in company towns for having Romney signs in their yards.
I'm tired of well-meaning Downstaters debating hydro-fraking when they're tucked away safe from the effects.
I'm tired of the pretentious and their Nassau Coliseum shows.
I'm tired of waiting "online" and being asked to "higher it up."
I'm tired of hipster hippie wearing designer boots to a farm.
I'm tired of people ignoring the existence of Upstate and thinking I live in Indiana or god knows where.

I wrote that during my ecological anthropology class. It's basically a list of everything about the atmosphere of this place that makes me want to leave.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Up and down

Honestly I'm not really sure how to write about today. But it started last night....

I was doing fine, as you saw from yesterday evenings post. I had possibly maybe not failed a math quiz for once, I had finished a rough-draft of a composition paper, I had read a chapter for my eco anthro book report, I was feeling fine. Then I went to dinner and it was pretty pleasant. But then we got to my least favorite part of the night. The part when people start to split off and go to do different things. I never know where to go when this happens and I never particularly feel like doing anything that is an option with any of the people who are options. I kind of wandered after some friends into the basement of a residence hall. Then I mentioned how people form Long Island (aka NEARLY EVERY FREAKING PERSON AT THIS SCHOOL) do the Cotton-Eye Joe differently. This sparked a debate between Kalia and I. She pulled the whole "Oh I'm a dancer I know what I'm talking about 'that motion is too repetitive and not pleasing for the audience to watch.'"

Well that's all fine and dandy, ma'am, and I'll come to you if I need an opinion on tap dancing, but this is the dance of my people. Line dancing and square dancing, the art of the hill-folk. You keep your "Lon Giland" culture and I'll keep my country. So seeing as we weren't actually doing anything and Kalia was seriously pissing me off like never before (which is saying something), I just left. I'm not sure if anyone noticed or cared.

Thus began a downward spiral of mood that culminated when Russell came to my door to talk about or media project and I kind of broke down when he asked if I was already. I was just so freaking glad that someone, for the first time in about 19 years, had noticed when I was really, really not okay. So I read The Fault in Our Stars and talked with Bruce and listened to the National and cried until I fell asleep.

The next morning I went to class at 8 am, couldn't be bothered to shower or eat, tried to read for class but fell asleep, never got around to writing my paper, and went to the library to meet Russell, Derek, and Megan to discuss our media project.

It was this that really got me out. Megan, Derek, and Russell are probably my favorite people that I've met this year. I find myself talking around them and laughing and having a good time and forgetting that I'm depressed. I want to spend time with them constantly. (Though I'm still not sure how I feel about Derek or how he really feels about me.) Anyway, we had a good time and managed to come up with a ridiculous plan for our media project. Seriously nuts. I won't go into it now, but suffice it to say that this is the only class we could get away with doing something like this.

Then I continued not to do my paper and went to dinner with Sierra (roommate), Megan, and Kim. I don't know what was in the food that day but none of our conversation made sense, we shouted, considered that maybe we were drugged, and decided to sing happy birthday to Kim and get the entire hall to join in. It wasn't her birthday.

I think it's becoming increasingly clear who I should be spending my time with based on how I feel when I'm with them.

After dinner I went to astronomy club. There were way more people there than usual because Raj had offered his students extra credit again. The moon was really, really bright so we couldn't see much but we saw Jupiter and its four moons, the moon, and the Pleiades. I made fun of Stephen for playing the oboe and we talked about band for a bit. It was nice.

Now I'm back in my dorm, waiting for the shower, and still having no idea what to write about Caesar Augustus and the Pax Romana. I'm open to suggestions....

One more thing, I promised myself that if a day was ever as hard as this again, I would seek help. Now it's in writing on my blog and I will. I swear I will.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Kara and Mo say things

When we last left off, I was sitting in a garish chair in my family room with plans to see Breaking Dawn in the morning. Now I'm sitting at the desk in my dorm room eating a cookie my mom made me with no plans about anything whatsoever. So much change in three days! Shocking. (Not actually. I could have predicted this a month ago.)

So Breaking Dawn, yeah? I saw it. I was... surprised. Yeah. That's it. Though the book does make a lot more sense now. I don't really feel like going into it but I had fun with Kate and Elana, observing Bella, Edward, Jasper, Carlisle, Jacob, and co. When the movie ended the three of us stood up and said "Well. That's the end of my adolescence." Middle school is done, everyone. Throw away your sad journals and burn your emo poetry. Purge your iPod of Dashboard Confessional and maybe buy some clothes that aren't black, grey, or navy blue. We made it.

Mo and Kara are now suggesting things for me to blog about. So far I'm supposed to say that "punching is sexy" and that "would you rather games can cause massive divides amongst friend group really easily and should be played with caution." There you have it, folks. Today's blog.

No but actually I don't have much to say so I think I will end it now. Finals are coming up pretty soon and this week alone I have two papers, an experimental assignment, a discussion to lead, a project to start thinking about, a book to finish, and the usual math. So I'll be off!

(I still have no clue how to end blogposts so a;lhgsjlkghjgkj';sh;)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

A night of elves and irresponsibility

Welcome to Heather's Blog of Irresponsibility! I'm sitting in my family room in a giant, circular, turquoise chair that my older sister, Sarah, brought from her apartment when she moved back here. Elf is playing. I know, I know. Thanksgiving barely ended and it's not even December yet but the last 2nd to last Thursday of the month came so early this year and there's a light sprinkling of snow on the ground and I saw a couple gifsets of the movie on tumblr. So I'm watching Elf while I blog, my brother Billy reads, and our younger sister works on her NaNo.

It's rather peaceful. It's just past midnight. The gas fire is crackling away. Linda and I are tapping away at laptop keys. The bag of popcorn beside me is warming my arm.

Sidenote. My parents were having the kitchen redone at the end of the summer and it wasn't finished by the time I left for school. Since I've been back I've had to relearn where things are and how to use the new convection oven. Check out how it deals with popcorn:
These last couple of days I haven't bee up to much. The only memory I really have of Friday was talking with my old prom date, Aubrey, around midnight about park ranging and binge eating. What a great guy.

Saturday was a little more eventful. I went to the hospital with my dad to try and identify the weird bit of tissue we had from the Mystery Turkey Organ. We couldn't. It fell off the slide, was too thick, and my dad shattered the cover slide. But I always enjoy hanging out in the hospital and I welcome a lab adventure. Though my dad wouldn't let me take a biohazard specimen bag to fill with dining hall food and leave in the refrigerator for my roommate to find.

After that we went to Wegmans, the best grocery store in the entire world. I hadn't been since August and boy had I missed it! We ran into Sarah when we got there who was just leaving work as the three of us have a habit of doing. After discussing squashes and the incredible increase in Matt Lewis' attractiveness (don't ask) we went to the butcher to describe the organ. He looked mildly amused and said it was a gizzard. Those aren't found in mammals. So that certainly explains why we couldn't identify it. Then I picked up a box of popcorn (hence my eating it now), a thing of Jammie Dodgers (I freaking love them, they make me think of home even though I'm from New York and I wanted to give one to Brooke in case I saw her today which I didn't), and some trail mix. My dad told me he was paying for the food so Sarah and I had a great time at the trail mix bar like Kara and I did over the summer.

I spent the rest of the day lounging about with Sarah and Billy, dropping not-so-casual hints about Christmas presents and eating the best pizza in the world with my family. And after far too much time spent on tumblr, here we are. I should be writing a paper or doing reading but, well, I'm not. Hence the irresponsibility. I have about half a page written on life in North Korea. So that's better than nothing I suppose.

But what can I say? It's my last night at home after a three month absence. Tomorrow morning I'm seeing Breaking Dawn with Kate and Elana. I got a text message from Kate that said "Breaking Dawn really early tomorrow morning." I was a bit confused as to whether or not we were seeing a movie or watching the sunrise together, both of which we've been known to do. But no, it's a movie at 9 in the morning. But it's time with Elana and Kate so I'll take it.

All right some final thoughts on Elf:

-Zooey Deschannel looks REALLY GOOD as a blonde.
-Will Ferrell is really weird.
-I have so many questions left unanswered.
-This movie is the kind you only watch once a year when you're in a very special mood. Tonight is that time.

Next time you hear from me I'll probably be typing from a dorm desk rather than a weird chair that doesn't match any decor in the house but just SHOUTS twenty-something. So goodnight and may your holiday/final season be everything you want it to be.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving, sodomy, and HOBBIT HOBBIT HOBBIT

Friday. 23rd November. 0:10:26 Warm. Relaxed. Lying on my bed at home. So much food inside me. So comfortable.

Wednesday, my first day at home, felt really right. I cooked with my mom in the morning. We were, of course, listening to NPR as it's always on in the background of my family. They were discussing Israel and every once in a while my mom or I would turn to the refrigerator upon which the radio sat and shout. I cooked some with my older sister, Sarah, but that was with less political shouting. Not none, but less.

Sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, breads, cake, stuffing, cranberry sauce. When all of these were done, my sisters and I drove to get cider and doughnuts and shouted along to Taylor Swift songs as is our custom. It felt like our ice cream race from April of last year and it was lovely.

My uncle came that night and we celebrated our birthdays together. Sarah made a pumpkin roll and was surprisingly successful. I watched all of the Thanksgiving Friends episodes and worked on a scarf until past midnight.

Then Thanksgiving Day. I went downstairs a bit before noon and ate a doughnut and the last of the cider. I read for school for a while. My grandmother came over and commented on my weight and then I left and stayed in my room for the next three hours. Oh, Thanksgiving. No matter how well the holiday is going, you just have to throw something at me, don't you?

Dinner was normal I suppose. My dad had invited his medical student to the meal but she declined to study. So there were eight people but there wasn't real continuous conversation. So whenever it had been silent for a while I jut shouted things like "Abortion!" "Sodomy!" "Pegasus!" and "Captain America Erotica fan-fiction!"

Oh and no one could identify one of the turkey organs so I made a slide of tissue from it and I think we're taking it to the hospital lab tomorrow to examine it. I'll let you know what we find!

After dessert I was sitting around for a while and received a text from my friend Elana, asking if I was interested in getting in a shenanigan before the night was over. Of course I was! We decided to go to Barnes & Noble and then see Wreck-It Ralph. After marveling at the line in front of Wal-Mart that had already formed by 9 pm, stealing one of the every last parking spaces from a would-be Wal-Mart shopper, buying our tickets, and walking around the sidewalk with an empty shopping cart I had found, we realized that B&N was closed. So we walked back to the theater and hung out in the giantcomfyamazingstillnewtomechairs until the previews came on.

Oh my god the previews! It was the Hobbit. The Hobbit. Elana and I were gone. We clutched each other's hands and yelled silently and punched and kicked the air and Elana gasped and I sang along to the little song they sing. Martin Freeman, man. He completely did me in.

The movie itself was also really good. I'm usually not a big fan of animated movies but this one was really clever with just the right amount of cute. Maybe it just made me nostalgic for the old arcade of my childhood or the GameBoy Pocket games I played, but it really made me smile. I got a kick out of it. We saw it in 3-D and usually this gets to me after a while but, as Elana pointed out, the 8-bitness of the movie might have helped prevent any nausea.

As we came out of the theater we saw a GIANT cardboard cut-out of the Gandalf and Bilbo's door. Really freaking giant. Elana and I made a beeline for it, running through an Indian family, shouting "HOBBIT HOBBIT HOBBIT!" As we posed for pictures with it, we decided that the night had officially become a shenanigan.

So we walked through the parking lot again, past some shoppers who were already leaving Wal-Mart/rural-suburban Mecca with their Black Friday purchases, though it was technically still Thursday, and headed across the river for home.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


I'm sort of crying now. I've been doing more crying than usual these last couple of weeks but this isn't bad crying. I'm crying because I love my friends and I love my family and I love my house and I love my fireplace and I love the Converse shoe box of knitting needles beside me and I love the Star Trek VHS I'm watching right now.

Today I turned 19. Let me start the tale of it with something I posted on tumblr last night:

"Believe it or not, I just spent the last two and a half hours watching/playing WWE. Russell came to my door when I was packing and just waved for me to follow him without saying anything. Reluctantly I grabbed my key and followed him to his dorm. It turns out he loves wrestling and had gotten a head start on our media assignment on it and figured (correctly) that I wouldn’t want to watch it. So he and Chris had me sit with them and answered my stupid questions with stupid answers and explained how there actually is a storyline in wrestling matches. Then they decided to teach me how to play the Playstation game and I was surprisingly not bad at. I played as John Cena and spent a good amount of time perching on the corner of the ropes or just lying down on the floor hoping Russell and Chris would just fight each other and forget about me.
It was a great distraction and you know what? It was surprisingly enjoyable.
Thank you, boys downstairs! <3"

Well I found out this morning that this whole thing was a ploy to get me out of the dorm so Sierra, Megan, and Kim could stash a load of decorations in Sierra's closet. She put them up  around one in the morning because I stayed with Russell and Chris for a lot longer that the ladies expected. So I woke up at 7 in the morning to find the room covered in streamers and and the floor covered in balloons and pictures on the door. The balloons were covered with pictures of Joe Bide, Harry Potter, Friends, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, Jack Kennedy, and a stupid Christmas picture the three girls and I took a few days ago. The pictures on the door were bananas, Barack Obama eating ice cream, and a Joe Biden birthday card collage. It was really weird and really hilarious and really, really sweet.

Sierra also woke up and left the room. She came back with Russell and a cupcake. They lit it and sang happy birthday to me and quickly waved the smoke away from the detector. I couldn't stop laughing, even when Sierra dropped her ID behind the radiator.

It was a thoroughly ridiculous start to the day, quickly followed by a super-fast breakfast with Russell, Rich, Lloyd, and Liz and a history class where we talked about elephants.

In the afternoon I went to math class for a couple minutes then left to take my laundry out of the washing machine. I wrote a birthday card for Joe Biden and I think it will be really interesting. I went to lunch with Sierra, Garth, Alyssa, Megan, Nick, and Rosalie.

And all through the day I was getting lovely birthday messages from lovely people.

Then my dad came and picked me up and we told each other stories and talked about all of the topics we knew best. We stopped at one of my favorite diners to eat and it was full almost entirely of fellow college students and their parents returning home. As we drove through my area I looked around and remembered all of these things that had happened here. I haven't been back in three months and it was so familiar and different.

I ate rice pudding with my dad and siblings and opened my birthday presents. A DVD and book on Joe Kittinger's space jump and copies of Le Petit Princein both French and English.

Then I went up to my room. I had left it in quite a messy state and had been thinking of that while I was away at school. But I walked in and my mom had cleaned it and made my bed like the nurse she was and I started to cry because it was so nice and so clean and all of these memories from my senior year, particularly the last semester, just came rushing back. There was so much. My mom had even dug up an old Road Scholar game that I lost years ago and should have returned to my coach but didn't because it was missing. And it was so familiar but somehow brighter and the bed smaller and lower and the carpet rougher and I love every bit of it. So much.

I never thought I would be so happy to be home. Nor indeed that I would be still referring to this as home. But everything around me and everything I'm doing is so familiar I could just burst. This is the best birthday I've had in at four or five years.

I love my house and my weird town and my dad's collection of space books on the shelf next to me which is still sizably larger than my own.

I don't know how to end this because I'm feeling very happy and full and melancholic. So I think I'll just say good night.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Turned down

Everyday becomes more emotional than the one before.

Last night I was going to dinner with Sierra, Megan, and Kim when I saw my former group of friends gathering. They hardly acknowledged me. And I couldn't do it. It was all too much and so I just left. Kim, Megan, and Sierra tried to get me to go up to the dining hall for dinner but I suddenly wasn't very hungry. So I just left and collapsed in my dorm room, sobbing about everything that was wrong with my life. (I'm even tearing up writing this.) After a while Sierra, Megan, and Kim brought me some food, including a makeshift grilled cheese they had toasted with the panini press. Except that squished the bread so it was mostly a centimeter of cheese with a fabric thin coating of bread. But I appreciated it anyway. We hung out in the dorm for a while after that. I texted Derek some and they helped with what to say. Derek invited me to go for a walk with him the next day.

So I did. Derek and I walked along the rail trail and he brought me to a bridge over a creek with a view on the mountains and the fields. It was lovely. Then when we got back to campus I asked if he wanted to go on a date sometime. He declined.

I'm so done with humanity. This whole thing is far too complicated and I want to just hibernate for a while. I miss Brooke and I want to talk with Elena and Dani but only Elena and Dani and no one else. At least I have plans to see Allison when I go back for Thanksgiving. But mostly I'm getting really angry at whoever is in charge of writing my life. Then I remember that that's me.


Well here's a happier story I forgot to tell you guys. On Friday night I was walking across campus and showing Megan where Jupiter was. She asked how I knew it was Jupiter and I started to explain to her about discs versus points of light and orbital patterns when Stephen, the president of the astronomy club, walked out of his building. I waved and said loudly enough for him to hear "I know it's Jupiter because Stephen told me!" He looked confused as he always does and I don't know if he recognized me or not as he usually doesn't but it was funny. Then Megan and I saw a shooting star. She said it was the first one she had seen in her life and starting shouting and jumping up and down. Then Stephen rode up behind us on his bike, pointed, and said "Did you see it?!" as he zoomed past. It was all just really funny and pleasant.

Thanksgiving is soon so expect either depressing blogs about my inner demons or warm ones full of holiday cheer. It's still too soon to tell which. We'll see what emotions come to the surface when I'm surrounded by family.

I hope you all have vaguely better days than I did!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Emotions running high

Well what an emotional day it's been!

I slept through my first class this morning. That's the third absence I've had and means that I have to be there for all the rest of them. So I slept late and then began to panic.

I was panicking because I was registering for classes. And right after that I had a math exam. I tried studying before my sign-up time slot at 12:30 but there was just so much and I was so unprepared! So I checked to see that the schedule I had devised for myself the other week was still workable.

It wasn't.

My dream history class, Europe Since 1945, was full. And I couldn't take Exploring the Universe because there were no seats left for sophomores and they were all reserved for freshmen. So I threw myself in an Early Modern Europe class, changed my International Policy course to a different time, and was left with Contemporary Issues in Literature to fulfill my diversity gen ed requirement (the class on lesbian living was full.) So that plus symphonic band (still haven't met with the director!), Women in Literature, and my French course gives me 17 credits and a panic attack.

But before I could actually sign up online for these classes I was locked out of my account. I entered my code when 3/4 of my clocks said it was 12:30. But I guess it wasn't according to the school because after a couple of attempts the website told me that they suspected a break-in and I couldn't login for a few minutes. At this point I was glad I hadn't put on mascara that morning because I'll admit that I sort of broke down and started to cry. But I decided to try one more time before pulling myself together and calling the computer services desk and it worked. I was able to register and get in maybe 20 minutes of studying before leaving for my exam.

At this point I have to give my thanks to the lovely Etco for supporting me through the morning/afternoon of troubles. I'm so glad I have him for emotional support.

After the exam I went to lunch and then the gym with Sierra (roommate), Megan, and Kim. It was good. I biked about 9 miles and watched Futurama because technology is crazy. Then we had an uneventful night of hanging out. I'm back at my dorm now in pajamas. Sierra's eating popcorn. I'm tired.

Oh and at dinner I saw my group of friends. I said hi but I was eating with the women mentioned above. They didn't say goodbye when they left nor did they tell me what they were going to do and I didn't receive one message from them throughout the night. Hmmm....

I think I'll watch some tv before going to bed. Good night!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Museums and condom casinos

This morning I woke up at eight, tried to make myself look presentable, gave up, and went to meet with my media/comp class in the atrium of the student union. I was one of the first students there. So Russell and I regaled our small group with tales of our falling apart dorm building. (Those probably require another post.)

When everyone had arrived we grabbed a bunch of boxed lunches and got on the bus. I honestly don't remember much of the ride down. We passed by my moms hometown though so that was nice. I hadn't been there in ten years.

The Museum of Moving Image was really interesting. It was all bright white and mirrors and so pristine. I went into a utility closet trying to leave the bathroom because the white doors blended in so well with the walls. We learned about how your eyes need a rest period while viewing a series to make them look like they're moving and about foley art and automated dubbing and the history of film cameras and how technicolor worked. We even made an awful flipbook of us just standing around and looking confused. It was super fascinating to me because I had relatives who were working in the film and animation industry in the early 20th century. They were there for all of that.

Unfortunately we didn't have much time to look around. We probably only got to about a third of the museum. But they gave us tickets to go back which was really nice of them.

We also watched a film called "Dear America" which was a bunch of readings of letters service members wrote back home during the Vietnam War recorded over archival footage. I had seen it two years ago in APUSH and it was still very moving. Though I didn't cry this time. Afterwards the class discussed it but I didn't say anything. I got kind of angry listening to all of these civilians critique the telling of the experiences of U.S. troops. They said it was biased and that it painted too brutal an image of the Viet Cong and could have done a better job going in depth about what was going on in the United States at the time. And I would just like to no where they got the right to say those things. All of the dialogue was exactly what Americans serving there had written. Of course they weren't going to talk about the Viet Cong in a lovely light or focus on the troubles at home! I hate to hear one demographic critique another. And it just made me very angry.

The bus ride back was really great though. Brooks, Joe, Russell, Trish, Derek, Marissa, and I had "Back of the Bus Bonding." Trish told us about the time she met Tom Felton. Russell decided that his stripper name was "Brown Sugar" and Trish said that Brooks' was "White Chocolate." I mentioned how I once saw a girl dump tuna fish down the bathroom sink and Marissa said "Oh so that's why the hall smelled like that!" One of my favorite quotes was, egotistically, something that I said. Someone pointed out the strip club we were passing and I said "You know it's good when there's barbed wire." The fence around it was covered with coils of the stuff. Oh, Astoria.

There was a lot of traffic and by the time we got to the Tappan Zee bridge we were all pretty quiet. I played Derek some of the more muggle songs on my iPod, including my favorite, "Glen Rock Falls" by the Mudbloods and he said "I don't recognize any of these bands but it doesn't sound like hipster music." Then we listened to Frank Ocean on his iPod for the next two hours or so. I think everyone eventually fell asleep. I had this really weird, vague dream that Russell was trying to sell me crackers in the dining hall.

We returned to campus and most of the back of the bus tried to shove our empty cardboard lunch boxes inside a solar trash compactor outside the student union. They didn't really fit so we ran away. Now I'm sitting in my dorm alone, waiting to go to the Condom Casino tonight and wondering if any of my friends will text me back.

Hey before I forget, you should all watch this video from Carrie Hope Fletcher. This girl is just lovely and she's one of my favorite people. I've kind of been in the same place as her this year except I'm still waiting to find the right people to help me find my switch. I have people who I love dearly and who will support me but they live so far away and aren't really in the position to help. So I'm just looking for my path again in the dark, and hoping to find other people stumbling around the woods as well. Maybe one of us will have a flashlight.

All right I just got back from the Condom Casino with Trish! That was a lot of fun. We started the night with five condoms and a few pieces of candy each I ended with 16 condoms, 1 female condom, 2 dental dams, 2 cardboard wheels with what to say if your partner doesn't want to use a condom and what to do instead of sex, 1 packet of water-based lube, 1 Twizzler, 1 Baby Ruth (which I think I'll just give to Trish who loves them), 2 packets of chocolate covered pretzels, and 1 Starburst. I feel like I'm a beauty guru making a haul video!

Trish and I had something of a wild time there. We figured out how to beat the system of the dice throwing game by betting candy and getting two condoms in return and keeping the candy to bet with again. And we didn't realize that at the table with the female condoms, lube, dental dams, and cardboard wheels you were supposed to trade in condoms to get them. We just took them. And we took our candy and condoms back off the roulette table to bet with them again. And we took candy from tables if no one was nearby. And at one of the roulette stations when the guy running it went off somewhere we took the candy that he had one back. And Trish took a condom right the bag under his nose. If it had been an actual casino we would either be in jail or be rich.

That's all for today. I have a math exam tomorrow that I really should study for. I wonder if I will.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Astronomy, math, and a possible scalene triangle

Hello everyone! And by everyone I mean Future Me, mostly. Today is Wednesday in case you didn't know. (It's okay. I spent four hours yesterday, Tuesday, thinking it was Wednesday.) On Wednesdays I only have one class at 8 am so I have the rest of the day to myself. I'd say I was fairly productive, at least in comparison to other days.

I was supposed to go talk to the director of the symphonic band here on campus but no one was in the office so I ran away. Man sometimes social situations can really suck. I hate talking to people I don't know. I'm almost grateful no one answered my knocks. So I spent the next few hours doing math homework. I have a big exam on Friday and don't know nearly enough. It was oddly enjoyable in a vague sort of way. I'm really starting to like difference quotients. I think it's because you can use them to find the velocity of a guided missile. So that practical application is pretty cool.

Speaking of guided missiles I have to return a book to the library and go to astronomy club. See you when I get back!

Okay now I've returned, showered and warm again. It was SERIOUSLY cold tonight. On my walk back from the observatory I couldn't tell if it was my phone vibrating or my legs.

Anyway most of the afternoon was just math all over the place. Though Derek did come over before his class. We drank cider. I told the story of how I thought I was on a date but then the guy brought his mom to dinner. Derek tried to convince me that Batman does not think he is a bat and encouraged me to watch more Miyazaki films. (I saw "Spirited Away" a couple months ago.) We exchanged tales of getting into trouble or getting kicked out of business establishments. It was nice.

Then I had dinner with Sierra (my roommate), Kim, and Megan where I insulted two of Megan's loves, soy and cranberries. Sorry Megan, but they try and get into every food these days. Someone has to put their foot down.

I went to the astronomy club afterward as you know. I think I was the only person besides Raj (the professor) and Stephen (the president) who had been there before. The other four were from one of Raj's classes getting extra credit. It was kind of elementary because of that but still fun. Raj asked for the time when he was programming the big computerized telescope and one of his students said "Around eight-thrity-ish?" Raj said "I need specific." Just as I said "eight-twenty-nine." The new kids all said "Oooooh!" and I so I replied with "Ooooooh I can tell time."

It was the coldest yet but still fun. I hadn't been out that way in a month and a half because of other commitments so I loved getting back there. The girl who I usually walk back to campus with, Kaitlin, wasn't there tonight so that was disappointing. But I did kind of hit it off with one of the students. When Stephen was pointing out the Summer Triangle she asked "Is it a scalene triangle?" I burst out laughing and she joined in. I wish I had gotten her name.

Oh and I got to see Jupiter, including banding and its four Galilean moons, and the Pleiades. That last one always being a special treat.

Now I'm talking with Adam about how much the other's gender confuses us. He being a man and I being a woman. It's nice to know the complications go both ways. Speaking of Adam, here's a link to an article I wrote for the Potter Pensieve Podcast (a Harry Potter podcast and subsequent website I started with him) on my trip to Harry Potter: the Exhibition in Manhattan last weekend. Comment and you could be featured on the next episode of the podcast!

I think that's it for today. Tomorrow I'm going to the Museum of Moving Image with my combined media and composition class.

(Also I might have accidentally taken an extra dose of medication today so we'll see how this goes. Wish me luck.)

Until next time, everybody/Future Me!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Farms; I painted my nails red

Today I went to a farm with strangers.

I could just leave this blogpost there and never elaborate on it but I guess I want to talk about it.

I went with my ecological anthropology class so they're not really strangers but they're not really acquaintances either. They're classmates. And these classmates tend to be on the "hippie-love-Earth-all-organic" side of the spectrum while I tend towards the "practical-I-don't-care-what's-in-it-I-want-to-eat-it" side. These classmates are mostly city kids or at least model-suburban who have very little experience with farms. I, on the other hand, grow most of my own produce in the spring and summer and come from a farming family. So it was fun to show that despite my comparatively capitalistic views, I knew more about compost and crop rotation than anyone.

This farm though. It was pretty small compared to others I've been on but it was gorgeous. There wasn't much to see as the harvest had already passed but it had a good deal of space for planting and the most amazing view. You could see the mountains and the house on top of that, green pasture after green pasture, and this idyllic little farm house. It was all so comforting and familiar to me and the compost smelled so good and clean I didn't want to leave. Plus it was a completely incredible day weather-wise. It was about 65 degrees with a light blue sky mostly clear except for a few light clouds. After my media class this morning I just sat on a lawn with my friend Derek for an hour enjoying it. So it was a shame to come back.

Especially since I came back to my side of the building where I live being blocked off for radiation. I'll tell you if my powers begin to develop.

Then I watched some early episodes of the Office and painted my nails red, smiling to myself. I was smiling because my friend Kelly wrote her final AP Literature paper on this great poem by Carole Satyamurti. It goes like this:

"I shall paint my nails red
Because a bit of color is a public service.
Because I am proud of my hands.
Because it will remind me I’m a woman.
Because I will look like a survivor.
Because I can admire them in traffic jams
Because my daughter will say 'ugh.'
Because my lover will be surprised.
Because it is quicker than dyeing my hair.
Because it is a ten-minute moratorium.
Because it is reversible."

Kelly and I spent quite a bit of time doing homework together last year and so I know the poem pretty well. I think of her whenever I paint my nails red and smile because Kelly is my fellow woman of science and education, who likes to admire her hands in traffic jams.

To finish off I'll leave you with a comment card from Derek on the presentation I completely pulled out of my ass during composition today. He says "That was just beautiful. I have never seen such a high level of bullshitting. :D" Thanks, Derek.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

City trips, weird nostalgia, and Joe Biden

I may not have been entirely fair in my most recent blogpost. I could be reading into things too much and I certainly did not mean what I wrote to apply to all of my friends here. I have a few good ones that I think I will be keeping. But that's how I felt when I wrote it and I am not a fan of invalidating emotions, even my own in hindsight, and so that post will remain as a primary source for when people want to write my biographies.

I'm feeling moderately better than I did on Friday, anyway. On Saturday I took a trip to New York City to see Kara and Alex. It was definitely what I needed.

I overslept and was worried when I found the bus station in my town to be half in ruins. But none of that mattered as my bus was ten minutes late anyway. After a few blocks of vague panicking and city-wandering, this rural suburban girl managed to find her way to the NYPL to meet two of her closest friends. We spent the day looking through a food exhibit in the library, finding our way to the Harry Potter Exhibition that just so happened to be in the city the same day as we were (really, we had no idea it was there until we saw signs for it), eating at Chipotle for my first time, and then planted Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans throughout Bryant Park. Really. We threw them on statues and hid them in kiosks and left them in the hands of mannequins and buried them in potted plants.

It was so good to be amongst internet friends again. (Though at this point Kara is barely a URL friend anymore.) It was so great to giggle our way through the sorting ceremony at the Exhibition and to squeal over pictures of Gilderoy Lockhart and make jokes about how Harry Potter wears Nikes and how short Daniel Radcliffe is. We gossiped about people in the fandom we know and told stories about our school lives and what we did there.

So I was rather miserable as I walked back to my dorm room from the station last night with obnoxious blue eyeshadow (random stop at Sephora, knowing full well we couldn't afford anything) on my eyes and a burrito sitting mildly awkwardly in my stomach. It sucks to live so far away from the people I love and it's great to see them at long last but then it sucks again to leave them.

I suppose you could say I've been rather miserable as a whole lately, though. For some reason I've been reading through Hayley G. Hoover's blogposts from 2009 and it's making me weirdly nostalgic for my own spring and summer of senior year. Reading through my BEDA posts from this year you could argue that I was rather unhappy for that time in my life but that's not true. I think I genuinely had a pretty good senior year. Definitely my best in school so far. It's also occurred to me that in nine days I will be 19, and thus entering my last year as a teenager. Maybe it's because of the nostalgia or this realization that my time for being an angsty, whiny teenager is limited or lingering insecurity about the people I go to school with or because I miss my friends, but I was feeling rather low.

I thought about last spring when I was feeling rather good about myself and realized that I did a lot of walking then. Whether to school or back or to the grocery store or the creek or the dollar store or the Chinese take-out place during free (and not so free...) periods, I probably walked more than I did at any other time in my life. So, it being a deliciously warm November day, I decided to walk to Rite-Aid.

I really only meant to pick up some red nail polish and remover but of course that didn't happen. I have this huge love/hate relationship with stores where you can get a bunch of different things like convenience stores and Wal-Marts and, my love, Wegmans. On the one hand, it's fun and exciting and you never know what you'll find. Where I'm from, that's where you go with your friends on a Saturday night. But I also always get more than I intend to. Today was no exception. In addition to the polish and remover, I also purchased a birthday card. For Joe Biden.

No, I'm not kidding. I bought our Vice-President a birthday card. We share a birthday, he's my political soulmate, and I have a Leslie Knope sized crush on him. How do you find a card that says "I admire you for all you do in your service to the country but I'm also strangely attracted to you"? There was no "For the Vice President" section and I nearly got him one that said "Today, you're the queen" but resisted and got him a very respectable and heartfelt one. Though I nearly asked strangers their advice but just wasn't up to that sort of conversation.

I also bought a bag of mini-Hershey bars. I'm less proud about this as I've already eaten five of them. I grabbed them on a whim and as soon as I bought them realized I didn't want them. Well, that was true for about an hour. I definitely want them now....

So that's the life of an anxiety ridden almost-not-a-teenager with depressive tendencies and friends who live too far away.

I'll bet you're really excited for those biographies now, aren't you?

Friday, November 9, 2012

I don't like my friends

I don't want to be the one to constantly destroy relationships with the people around me and consequently destroy myself, but I'm just not happy. I tried to be. I really have. But I just haven't enjoyed my friends company in nearly three weeks now.

It used to be that I would get in a fight with one of them maybe once every two weeks but we would be fine almost immediately afterward. But now I fight with them one after another, they annoy me collectively, and it's feeling more and more like a chore to hang out with them all together. The most I can do is a large dinner a few times a week before I'm exhausted. That is if they actually invite me to it.

Usually they don't invite me places. I will text them, asking if they want to eat dinner. I won't get a reply. I'll go on my own and find them there already started a meal with little room at the table. The conversation will be on Avatar or Game of Thrones or just devolve into shouting and quoting that I don't find interesting. I'll try and say something. I'll try and contribute. I will be ignored. They will get up to leave while I'm still eating. They won't say if they're doing something afterwards or if they were doing something before. They just assume I'll know.

I won't know.

To know things, you have to be told about them.

I won't be told about them. They'll casually mention them in passing and act as if I were there for the occasion. I rarely am. And I don't seem to be missed when they realize I wasn't.

I can't actually remember the last time I was properly invited to do something with them. It's like they're all combined in this telepathic field which just tells them where everyone will be that makes using phones completely unnecessary. That seems to be the only acceptable conclusion as to why my messages and calls are so rarely answered.

So a few weeks ago, sick of being forgotten and left to eat dinner on my own at eight after waiting for an invitation, I started asking people myself. I'd be lucky to get one reply after twenty minutes but that was something. Now I'm not even sure if I'll do that anymore. Because I really don't want to spend time with people who don't want to put in the effort to spend time with me. Because it feels like a chore hanging out with them. They travel in packs. I'll text a few people who I want to eat with and an entire entourage will show up. They'll insist that seven of us can fit at one crowded table and I will again be ignored in conversation. I'll make some efforts, be denied, and then be as quiet as possible, wondering if anyone will notice. Generally they don't.

I want to transfer and I'm not very happy but I still see them out of social necessity and because I fear the confrontation. Which is why I'm posting this here. Ordinarily something so emotional would be posted on my tumblr blog but that is no longer safe. So many of the people I'm referring to follow me there and I'm really starting to wish they wouldn't. I shouldn't have been so free with my URL. Even a well-intended reblog can feel like an invasion of privacy these days. I feel almost cut off because of it. I'm not sure who will be reading this as I can't even post the link on tumblr and risk them finding my real blog where I write things that I feel matter more and are more private. But for those who do read this and make it this far, thanks. I appreciate you putting in the effort.