The deadest of days spent at the mall

Hello yes I'm sorry I haven't written anything for 17 days (apologizing to future me, of course. Hi there) but I just wanted to document my day a bit. It's 27th December, 2012 and it is the middle, the deadest, of the Dead Days. And, as you know, things tend to go a bit weird then.

Today I woke up after less than four hours of sleep and a night of watching Miranda to go to the dentist. Then I came back, watched the rest of the show, and went to the mall with my mom and sisters. While in J.C. Penny's I was a bit bored a bit flustered, a bit overwhelmed, and a bit confused. So I kind of started to follow this older gentleman around. I matched his pace exactly, stride and all. After a while of this he noticed and, to avoid confrontation, I moved forward a bit so I was slightly ahead of him. And that was when he started to follow me! So I started to lead us in the direction of the lingerie section in the hopes that he would be too embarrassed and I would be able to shake him off. No such luck. He followed me right in. And that's how I wound up luring an old man into the bra displays at J.C. Penny.

But it gets better. Because I found my sisters amongst the bras. His wife wandered over just as we reached them and they walked away. So I figured it was safe to leave the lingerie. It was. Almost. When I emerged into the pajamas I came face-to-face with a young family who said hello to me. Very familiarly. Like they knew me. I did not know them. So I was already looking a little flustered and amused from my stalking activities earlier and now I looked confused as well and I sort of made a noise at the back of my throat and walked quickly away. I think I scared the toddler.

Then we continued out to the rest of the mall and were immediately surrounded by a job fair. There I found my soldier friend recruiting. I hadn't seen him in wow just about two years I think. So it was good to see him. And it's always lovely to hug a man in uniform. We chatted for a while and then I went off to Bath and Bodyworks where I danced for a while behind a sale display and the employees backs, right in view of people walking by. That was great fun. Then I may or may not have broken/spilled a bottle of perfume. I really can't say.

My family and I bought A LOT of things so we should be smelling excellent. (Thanks for the bodywash, Mom!) We walked back through the mall where again I saw my soldier friend who gave me a landyard. See? The perks of having friends in uniform. Free landyards! Then I shimmied across the display case of FYE, getting some curious glances from the mothers and children in the play space just outside, and left the mall utterly satisfied. I didn't actually buy anything. My mom exchanged two shirts my parents got me which didn't fit and I didn't really see anything that caught my eye so I may just save the money for a bus ticket. Who knows? I certainly don't. So it was actually a net gain of one landyard.

I have to keep myself amused, if only for my sake.

Cookies, composition, and NASA boys

I just got out of my LAST COMP CLASS EVER and today has been strangely funny so far. I woke up with only ten minutes left of my media class. This sucked because we were hoping to present our movie today but I wasn't there so we'll go next week. I saw Megan when I went to lunch and while everyone else was shouting "Happy birthday!" I shouted "I'M SO SORRY!" It's fine, though. No one else in the group wanted to present anyway so postponing was fine with them.

Then I went to ecological anthropology. And maybe it was because it was the last class before the final and I was feeling nostalgic, but I felt oddly calm and happy. We went over the review sheet and then our professor showed us this video of an amazing solar powered light plane. My mouth was open and my eyes were so huge I was so wowed by it.

I went back to my dorm, bummed around on the internet for a while, and then actually started my math homework. Weird. Then it was time for comp. Trish, Russell, and I stole a bunch of cookies from the dining hall last night for our class party and I took even more this afternoon at lunch. So we brought them in and told people we baked them and laughed because it was obvious they were stolen. Our professor asked us about our first semester and what was easy and what was hard. When she asked what the hardest thing to deal with was I said "Crippling depression and social anxiety!" People laughed uncomfortably and it was great. Our professor also happened to be my adviser so she vaguely knew this part of me and watching her respond to this was hilarious. She's a cool lady. Even if she does want me to rewrite my last paper and is making Brooks retake the final. She made us apple crisp with whipped cream and gave us Belgian chocolates she stole from her husband and chocolate covered peppermint sticks and cranberry blackberry juice that made Derek and I wretch at the sound of it. I have a lot of feelings regarding cranberries.

Not very many of our cookies were eaten. When Trish and I left the building I shouted "WHO WANTS COOKIES!?" and I guy behind us was interested. He only wanted one of them but Trish dumped her container onto my tin of them and I placed the tin in his hands and we ran. So now there's a guy wandering the campus trying to give away 15 stolen dining hall cookies. That is if he hasn't thrown them away. He kept asking us if they were poisonous.

When I got back to my hall I saw a group of three boys knocking on doors campaigning for student senate. I noticed one of them was wearing a NASA shirt so I said "Hey boy with the NASA shirt, what's your name? I'll vote for you." It turned out he wasn't running, though. He was campaigning for a girl from my ecological anthropology class who I was already planning on voting for and two of her friends. The boys swarmed to me and I said I was unsure and that I really wanted to vote for someone wearing NASA shirt. They said that the people running also wore NASA shirts and shirts with wolves on them. I liked wolves, didn't I? Sure I do. Then one asked if I liked Harry Potter. I gestured to the Deathly Hallows shirt I was wearing and said "Obviously." They assured me that they loved Harry Potter and so did the people running. So I guess they have my vote?

I went into my room and Sierra was laughing. She heard it all through the door. I told her that what I meant to say was "Hey boy in the NASA shirt, what's your number? We should talk about space." Except I had a chocolate-covered candy cane sticking out of my mouth so I'm not sure how beguiling I looked. Probably not very.

I think I'll do some more math homework and maybe go see Elena now. I haven't seen her in over a week. Until next time!

Finals Begin

My dearest blog! It's true what they say. If you stop blogging for even a couple of days it will be awful getting back to it.

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you but finals are fast approaching and I've been studying and writing papers and filming a video for a media project. It's about the PRO-SOCIAL uses of media. (We tried to use the term "pro-social" as much as possible. I think we got maybe five.) Now I have an hour before meeting up with Russell, Trish, and Derek and going to Sierra and Megan's birthday party.

I haven't been doing much besides piles of schoolwork honestly. Last night I went to Burger King, brought my calories back to my dorm, and stuffed my face while watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live. Amy Poehler's episode where hosts nearly killed me. The Governor Pattersons.... After that I had a dance party to my new Spotify playlist called "Songs to Dramatically Lip-Sync to Alone at Night." Then around midnight I finally decided to continue working on a report due Monday. I just finished it now besides editing.

So that's about been my life. Oh except we (Russell, Trish, Derek, Megan, Sierra, and I) made a giant pot of Ramen noodles which we didn't really want to eat. We made Russell feel responsible for finishing them. He didn't. And Trish and I got locked in a storm grate outside a window. Yup.

 

Oh and I made a new video on my channel. The Holly Jolly Holiday Tag. I have a few other videos planned for this month so maybe check back for those, yeah?

I talk to you guys later!

We are all scared

I am scared.

I wake up every morning and am terrified. I go to bed at night and lie awake for hours because I am afraid of what I'll have to do in the morning. If I'm lucky I will get a few hours of uninterrupted peaceful sleep.

I do this every day.

But I still wake up. Every day I struggle through it, being afraid of doing the wrong thing or not saying something or talking to a stranger or showing up two minutes late to an appointment. I do it because I am a human and it scares me. I am afraid to do it, but I do it anyway because that's what it means to be alive.

I have an anxiety disorder and so this feeling of fear is always in the back of mind but everyone experiences it. And there's nothing wrong with that. We're supposed to be scared because life is scary. It's scary to say your opinions or share your work or say how you feel because people are going to get angry and people are going to not like what you've made and people are going to disagree.

But guess what? That's okay. Because that person who disagrees with you is also scared. I honestly feel like we could make this world such a better place if we only admit that we're afraid and recognize that everyone else is, too.

When we recognize emotions that we feel in other people, suddenly these emotions don't matter so much because you see that they're normal and you don't let them have such a control over your life. Break free from the fear. You can do it.

I did it.

Just yesterday I asked out a boy. He said no but I am still so glad I did it. I gained that experience and now I won't wonder and torture myself with thoughts of “what if” at night. I was terrified to do it. But I did anyway because I knew that if I didn't at that moment, then I would think of myself as a coward and I don't think I can handle thinking one more negative thought about myself.

So I took a chance. I did something anyway, despite the fear. And even though I was turned down it was worth it because in that moment, the fear had no hold over me. So go ahead. Make mistakes. Dare to suck. Make fear your bitch. Do something simply because you're scared of it. Recognize the fear as normal, and just go about your business anyway. That's the only way any of us are ever going to make it through life.

I meant to use that as a script for a video in response to Charlie McDonnell's video called "I'm Scared" but I never got around to it. So here it is in blog form.

I only really have one thing left to say for today which is: WHY ARE YOU PLAYING YOUR GUITAR OUTSIDE WHEN THE HUMIDITY IS 90%!?!?!?

November to December

December. It's finally here. And hopefully it will be better than the last 1/12th of the year.

It has been a very emotional month. I don't know how many of you remember, but earlier this spring set out to decide if April really was the cruelest month. I discovered that it wasn't. March was. And I have now come to the conclusion that November is the March of the fall.

This past November I have felt alone, seen Obama and Biden re-elected, hid beans around Bryant Park, went to a farm, won/stole a bunch of condoms, went back to astronomy club, registered for classes, burned bridges, asked out a guy, was turned down by said guy, had the best birthday I've had in years, saw movies with old friends, been depressed, and wanted to leave. I have become increasingly sure that I have a depressive disorder, possibly manic. I saw got to go to Wegman's and saw my friend E.J. working there. And I did some things last night that you can hear about in my future memoirs.

In short, I'm glad November is over. I need to restart. Things have been pretty awful, especially these last few days. Now my parents know and they're worried and so I'm worrying about that and objectively it's all really funny. (Like some of the things that happened last night.)

I would like things to get better. I would like to patch things up with most of the "friend group." I would like to do better at math. I would like to play music more. I would like to see Russell and Derek and Megan more. I would like to pull through this semester. I would like to hangout with Tara and Elena. I would like to have long talks with Lloyd. I would like to stay in touch with my friends from home more. I would like to continue to figure out my life. I would like to get into the honors program here.

And so I think I will try and do these things.

Thanks for sticking around with me throughout this month. It's been messy but I'm glad I have this record of it. As a thank you and an early holiday present, have this.

I'll see you soon.

To quote William S. Burroughs, November, "You always were a headache and you always were a bore."

I am tired

I am tired of civilians discussing documentaries on war and debating how "accurate" they are.
I am tired of bleeding hearts looking at me like I'm a murderer if I say I eat meat.
I'm tired of isolated "Lon Gislanders" trying to tell me about square dancing.
I'm tired of the privileged going on about the benefits of organic produce while ignoring the existence of food deserts.
I'm tired of incessant slash shippers pretending to be the champions of the oppressed.
I'm tired of fan-girls crying for suicidal characters when real people around them want to die.
I'm tired of city kids never shutting up about their goddamned "real" pizza and bagels.
I'm tired of would-be activists protesting for the sake of protesting.
I'm tired of citizens of manicured Westchester berating those in company towns for having Romney signs in their yards.
I'm tired of well-meaning Downstaters debating hydro-fraking when they're tucked away safe from the effects.
I'm tired of the pretentious and their Nassau Coliseum shows.
I'm tired of waiting "online" and being asked to "higher it up."
I'm tired of hipster hippie wearing designer boots to a farm.
I'm tired of people ignoring the existence of Upstate and thinking I live in Indiana or god knows where.




I wrote that during my ecological anthropology class. It's basically a list of everything about the atmosphere of this place that makes me want to leave.

Up and down

Honestly I'm not really sure how to write about today. But it started last night....

I was doing fine, as you saw from yesterday evenings post. I had possibly maybe not failed a math quiz for once, I had finished a rough-draft of a composition paper, I had read a chapter for my eco anthro book report, I was feeling fine. Then I went to dinner and it was pretty pleasant. But then we got to my least favorite part of the night. The part when people start to split off and go to do different things. I never know where to go when this happens and I never particularly feel like doing anything that is an option with any of the people who are options. I kind of wandered after some friends into the basement of a residence hall. Then I mentioned how people form Long Island (aka NEARLY EVERY FREAKING PERSON AT THIS SCHOOL) do the Cotton-Eye Joe differently. This sparked a debate between Kalia and I. She pulled the whole "Oh I'm a dancer I know what I'm talking about 'that motion is too repetitive and not pleasing for the audience to watch.'"

Well that's all fine and dandy, ma'am, and I'll come to you if I need an opinion on tap dancing, but this is the dance of my people. Line dancing and square dancing, the art of the hill-folk. You keep your "Lon Giland" culture and I'll keep my country. So seeing as we weren't actually doing anything and Kalia was seriously pissing me off like never before (which is saying something), I just left. I'm not sure if anyone noticed or cared.

Thus began a downward spiral of mood that culminated when Russell came to my door to talk about or media project and I kind of broke down when he asked if I was already. I was just so freaking glad that someone, for the first time in about 19 years, had noticed when I was really, really not okay. So I read The Fault in Our Stars and talked with Bruce and listened to the National and cried until I fell asleep.

The next morning I went to class at 8 am, couldn't be bothered to shower or eat, tried to read for class but fell asleep, never got around to writing my paper, and went to the library to meet Russell, Derek, and Megan to discuss our media project.

It was this that really got me out. Megan, Derek, and Russell are probably my favorite people that I've met this year. I find myself talking around them and laughing and having a good time and forgetting that I'm depressed. I want to spend time with them constantly. (Though I'm still not sure how I feel about Derek or how he really feels about me.) Anyway, we had a good time and managed to come up with a ridiculous plan for our media project. Seriously nuts. I won't go into it now, but suffice it to say that this is the only class we could get away with doing something like this.

Then I continued not to do my paper and went to dinner with Sierra (roommate), Megan, and Kim. I don't know what was in the food that day but none of our conversation made sense, we shouted, considered that maybe we were drugged, and decided to sing happy birthday to Kim and get the entire hall to join in. It wasn't her birthday.

I think it's becoming increasingly clear who I should be spending my time with based on how I feel when I'm with them.

After dinner I went to astronomy club. There were way more people there than usual because Raj had offered his students extra credit again. The moon was really, really bright so we couldn't see much but we saw Jupiter and its four moons, the moon, and the Pleiades. I made fun of Stephen for playing the oboe and we talked about band for a bit. It was nice.

Now I'm back in my dorm, waiting for the shower, and still having no idea what to write about Caesar Augustus and the Pax Romana. I'm open to suggestions....

One more thing, I promised myself that if a day was ever as hard as this again, I would seek help. Now it's in writing on my blog and I will. I swear I will.